Let me explain. At the end of every school year I get a gift certificate to the Beverly Depot restaurant in Beverly as a thank you for driving my friend's son to school. I love the food but always dread going because I never quite fit in the chair. The chairs I'm talking about are rounded so I could never actually sit back. This always caused me so much stress and anxiety but I managed to suck it up for the sake of a good meal and a night out with my husband.
We had a long day yesterday so we decided to go to the Depot for dinner. My anxiety began about 1/2 before we left for dinner. I was trying hard to put it out of my mind but I just couldn't. When Larry and I got to the restaurant it was pretty dead. I was surprised because there's usually a very long wait. We were brought to our table which was over in a corner. I was happy about the location because I figured I would be hidden from the other people eating dinner. I pulled out my chair, held my breath, and sat down. I couldn't believe it, I could actually sit all the way back in the seat. I started to tear up. Larry looked at me but didn't say a word. He knew exactly what I was experiencing.
It's kind of sad that something that a lot people take for granted caused so much stress and anxiety for me every time I went to this restaurant. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of embarrassment and humiliation. It happens everyday on airplanes, in movie theatres, at baseball games, and so on. It's so frustrating that society has this "one size fits all" mentality. If you don't fit into this category then something is wrong with you. Here's what I think, there's nothing wrong with any of us. We all have a story, a heart, and a soul. We don't have the right to judge other people and don't deserve to be judged by others. We are all different and that's what makes us all beautiful people. I know this sounds a little cliche' but it really doesn't matter what's on the outside. It's who we are and who we chose to be that matters most.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Finally feeling better...
So here I am almost 6 months post-op thinking I'm all set right? Wrong!!!! About 2 weeks ago I got the scare of a lifetime. It started on a Thursday night. Larry was eating steak and it looked sooo good. I decided to have a bite. I chewed and chewed (or at least I think I did) until it pretty much dissolved in my mouth. A little while later I got a stuck feeling. This can be common with lapband surgery if something doesn't pass through the band. I ended up vomiting and thought that was it. That night I had a little indigestion when I went to sleep. It wasn't a big deal and I ignored it and went to bed. Friday morning I had the stuck feeling again so I decided I would take it easy with my food choices for the day. I stuck to mostly soft foods. For the most part it was an uneventful day. Friday night I woke up with a bad case of heart burn. This is something I haven't experienced since before surgery. I was a little surprised but I shrugged it off and went back to bed. On Saturday morning I felt a little stuck again. I had a bottle of water that I sipped on throughout the morning but that was it. I wasn't quite feeling like myself so I took it easy for most of the day. In the afternoon I had a Popsicle and it literally came right back up. I tried water, it came back up. By this point I was pretty exhausted so I decided to take a nap. Bad Idea! I woke up choking from such severe acid reflux. I knew something was wrong so I called my sister and she took me to Emergency Room. By this point I was miserable and I was an enormous amount of pressure in my chest. The E.R doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack (I assured him I wasn't) so he put me on a heart monitor. I spent the next three hours vomiting uncontrollably. It was horrible! Now, since I live in Beverly I went to Beverly hospital. I should've gone directly to Salem since that's where I had my surgery. After taking x-rays the Dr. decided to send me over to Salem by ambulance. I was horrified, I kept thinking that the ambulance drivers would never be able to lift me. Can you imagine that's what was going through my mind!
I finally arrived at Salem and began to vomit a few more times. Dr. Buckley came in to see me. He decided to take all of the fluid out of my band (1 1/2 cc's) to see if that helped. A few minutes later I began to feel better. He gave me instructions and told me to take it easier for a few days. He also said that I would have to wait at least a week before I could have a fill and warned me (in a very nice way) to be careful not to overeat since my band was empty.
A few days later I saw my regular Doctor. She received the report from the hospital. I apparently had a blockage in my esophagus which was causing the pressure and the vomiting. The steak probably caused the initial problem and then because of the vomiting my pouch began to swell. I hope I never experience that again. When you go to the initial lapband group Pat will tell you that if you can't keep liquids down for 12 hours, call your surgeon and go directly to the Emergency Room. I think that's the best advice I have ever heard.
I was finally able to get a fill on Monday. Dr. K was awesome and very caring. He encouraged me to call him if it happens again and then go to Salem. I did pretty well for the 2 weeks without anything in my band but I could totally feel the difference. I think the fact that I had surgery almost 6 months ago helped keep me on track with eating. I have worked really hard changing my whole mindset when it comes to food and, after being tested, I'm proud to say that I am finally developing a healthy relationship with food.
I finally arrived at Salem and began to vomit a few more times. Dr. Buckley came in to see me. He decided to take all of the fluid out of my band (1 1/2 cc's) to see if that helped. A few minutes later I began to feel better. He gave me instructions and told me to take it easier for a few days. He also said that I would have to wait at least a week before I could have a fill and warned me (in a very nice way) to be careful not to overeat since my band was empty.
A few days later I saw my regular Doctor. She received the report from the hospital. I apparently had a blockage in my esophagus which was causing the pressure and the vomiting. The steak probably caused the initial problem and then because of the vomiting my pouch began to swell. I hope I never experience that again. When you go to the initial lapband group Pat will tell you that if you can't keep liquids down for 12 hours, call your surgeon and go directly to the Emergency Room. I think that's the best advice I have ever heard.
I was finally able to get a fill on Monday. Dr. K was awesome and very caring. He encouraged me to call him if it happens again and then go to Salem. I did pretty well for the 2 weeks without anything in my band but I could totally feel the difference. I think the fact that I had surgery almost 6 months ago helped keep me on track with eating. I have worked really hard changing my whole mindset when it comes to food and, after being tested, I'm proud to say that I am finally developing a healthy relationship with food.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Graduation......
I graduated from Heart and Wellness today. To be honest it was really kind of bittersweet. On one hand I'm so ready to move on and do this on my own but on the other hand, I really enjoyed meeting the new people and the accountibilty of weighing in has really kept me focused.
When you graduate from H & W, you're called up (this is totally optional) to say a few words about your experiences before surgery and what's going on currently. I shared a bit about my experiences but really want to make a statement before I left. I decided to make a "top ten" list of what I have discovered while at H & W. You can thank David Letterman for this inspiration:
10. I don't need food for comfort
9. I actually like Hummus (thanks Melinda)
8. I can take my own heart rate
7. I hate the treadmill
6. I'm not the only one who burps and passes gas like a man
5. The number on the scale really doesn't matter (well, maybe just a little)
4. Even though I complain about coming here I'm really going to miss it
3. I actually have a collar bone
2. I'm not too old to make new friends.
1. I am as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside
I would say that sums it up. I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy journey for me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had a really bad couple of days last weekend and ended up in the Emergency room. I will include the details in my next post. For now I just want to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I'm feeling. I have never felt better and I honestly feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to......
When you graduate from H & W, you're called up (this is totally optional) to say a few words about your experiences before surgery and what's going on currently. I shared a bit about my experiences but really want to make a statement before I left. I decided to make a "top ten" list of what I have discovered while at H & W. You can thank David Letterman for this inspiration:
10. I don't need food for comfort
9. I actually like Hummus (thanks Melinda)
8. I can take my own heart rate
7. I hate the treadmill
6. I'm not the only one who burps and passes gas like a man
5. The number on the scale really doesn't matter (well, maybe just a little)
4. Even though I complain about coming here I'm really going to miss it
3. I actually have a collar bone
2. I'm not too old to make new friends.
1. I am as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside
I would say that sums it up. I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy journey for me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had a really bad couple of days last weekend and ended up in the Emergency room. I will include the details in my next post. For now I just want to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I'm feeling. I have never felt better and I honestly feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to......
Monday, June 2, 2008
Losing my security blanket
My weight has been my security blanket for a really long time and now that I'm losing weight I'm having a hard time adjusting. I began having "food issues" at a very young age. My childhood was so unpredictable that the one thing I could totally depend on was food. It was always there when I needed it and never deserted me. We became great friends. Surprisingly, I really wasn't overweight as a child, maybe a little chubby.
Unfortunately my body developed at an early age. Along with my new body came new and totally unwanted attention. When I was 12 years old I was having a sleepover at my friend's house. Her older brother spent an unusual amount of time hanging out with us before bedtime. We went to sleep around 11:00 and I woke up a few hours later to him touching me. Now, before I go any further with this story I want to explain why I'm sharing this very personal and private part of my life. For many years I blamed myself for what had happened to me and I began to hide behind my weight. The fatter I got, the less attention I got from the opposite sex. I was a victim of something that wasn't my fault yet I continued to victimize and punish myself. Through years of therapy I have been able to heal and let go of the guilt that I let control my life. I have shared that part of my life with a few close people and to my surprise, this has happened to some of them as well. If I can help one person who has been through something similar, it's well worth sharing my story.
I can't quite explain the fear I felt when I woke up to my friend's brother touching me. I was petrified!!! At first I was disoriented and a little confused. It took a few seconds to sink in. When I realized what was really going on I hit him and told him to leave me alone or I would tell his mother. He apologized and said he was only "joking". Well if that was a joke I certainly didn't get the punchline.
I never told a soul what had happened that night, not even my friend. The first time I acknowledge that it had ever happened was a few years ago in therapy. Needless to say, I stopped going over her house and eventually we lost contact. I began binge eating more often and found comfort in my fat. I felt protected because I knew no one would want to touch me and that was the greatest feeling in the world.
As I lose more weight, I have noticed that people are paying more attention to me. Even though I worked through what had happened to me in therapy, I have to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable. If I see someone looking at me or if they try to talk to me I tend to not make eye contact. I'm sure that sounds a little crazy but it's just something I'm trying to deal with and make sense of.
I have learned a lot since having my surgery, most importantly,that losing weight is only half of the battle. The emotional side of this is really the challenge. I expected that I would hit an emotional road block every now and then but didn't really expect alot of the feelings I'm experiencing now. I continue to see my therapist about once a month so I'm confidant that I will be able to work through this challenge as well as the many others that I have yet to face......
Unfortunately my body developed at an early age. Along with my new body came new and totally unwanted attention. When I was 12 years old I was having a sleepover at my friend's house. Her older brother spent an unusual amount of time hanging out with us before bedtime. We went to sleep around 11:00 and I woke up a few hours later to him touching me. Now, before I go any further with this story I want to explain why I'm sharing this very personal and private part of my life. For many years I blamed myself for what had happened to me and I began to hide behind my weight. The fatter I got, the less attention I got from the opposite sex. I was a victim of something that wasn't my fault yet I continued to victimize and punish myself. Through years of therapy I have been able to heal and let go of the guilt that I let control my life. I have shared that part of my life with a few close people and to my surprise, this has happened to some of them as well. If I can help one person who has been through something similar, it's well worth sharing my story.
I can't quite explain the fear I felt when I woke up to my friend's brother touching me. I was petrified!!! At first I was disoriented and a little confused. It took a few seconds to sink in. When I realized what was really going on I hit him and told him to leave me alone or I would tell his mother. He apologized and said he was only "joking". Well if that was a joke I certainly didn't get the punchline.
I never told a soul what had happened that night, not even my friend. The first time I acknowledge that it had ever happened was a few years ago in therapy. Needless to say, I stopped going over her house and eventually we lost contact. I began binge eating more often and found comfort in my fat. I felt protected because I knew no one would want to touch me and that was the greatest feeling in the world.
As I lose more weight, I have noticed that people are paying more attention to me. Even though I worked through what had happened to me in therapy, I have to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable. If I see someone looking at me or if they try to talk to me I tend to not make eye contact. I'm sure that sounds a little crazy but it's just something I'm trying to deal with and make sense of.
I have learned a lot since having my surgery, most importantly,that losing weight is only half of the battle. The emotional side of this is really the challenge. I expected that I would hit an emotional road block every now and then but didn't really expect alot of the feelings I'm experiencing now. I continue to see my therapist about once a month so I'm confidant that I will be able to work through this challenge as well as the many others that I have yet to face......
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