Update....

I have to apologize, it's been so long since my last post. Life has been crazy, I'm sure you can relate. I don't know where to start. Okay, so I'm doing well overall. I have finally adjusted to life with my band. I still have moments of frustration but for the most part, feel good. I have stopped obsessing about my incredibly slow weightloss and have taken some time to reflect on the past year of my life. It was just about a year ago when I got my surgery date, December 26th. The first call I made was to Larry, my husband. As soon as he answered the phone I just sobbed, I couldn't get the words out. It was as though the emotions I had been feeling over the previous months crept up on me in that single moment. Larry was freaking out because he thought something was wrong with me. When I finally calmed down I was able to tell him that I had my surgery date. I told him that it was the best Christmas present I could ever have asked for. He agreed.

I remember fantasizing about how skinny I was going to be for this year's holidays. I even imagined what I would wear. I spent hours and hours pouring over fashion magazines, it was crazy. I told myself that by the time I reached my one year anniversary I would be 100pds lighter. Reality, that didn't happen, not even close. For awhile I was really hard on myself and felt like a failure. I try to eat right and although I don't exercise often, I'm pretty active all day long. I should be losing weight right? Well, here's my problem. I take medication for anxiety and ADD. It interfere's with my appetite to the point that I forget to eat during the day. It's also tends to bother my stomach on and off so I don't feel like eating. As a result, my metabolism is completely screwed up and when I finally do eat my body stores that food as fat. Does that make sense? I could solve the problem and stop taking the medication. However, I have so much anxiety without it that I can barely get in my car and drive. I am seeing my doctor soon to discuss my problem and see if we can find a solution. In the meantime, I'm going to make an appointment at heart and wellness. I'm embarressed to admit that I didn't go to my follow up appointment after graduating. I was having a really hard time with my band at that point and the last thing I wanted to do was get on the scale. I have come to realize that it's okay to have a hard time. The staff at heart and wellness are there to support us and help guide us through. I know in order for me to move forward I need a little support and guidance.

Stay healthy!
Jenn

Halloween Candy

As Halloween approaches I am faced with the challenge not only of buying candy but with the huge bag of candy my son will bring home from trick or treating. I am planning to buy candy that I don't like to hand out but that only solves half my problem. Last year I ate candy almost everyday for a month. I was pre-op so I figured I could eat as much candy as I wanted. At the end of November I still had a huge bowl of candy. My son doesn't eat a lot of chocolate and neither does my husband. As crazy as it sounds, my son and I had a funeral for the left over candy. We both said some kind words before putting the candy to rest. We put the trash bag out in the trash. I'm embarrassed to admit that I briefly considered going out to the garage to dig the candy of out the trash. What's wrong with me??

This year I'm going to allow myself a treat. I feel like I have enough self control to have one thing that I really want without going overboard. It really is about portion control. Last year I would have laughed if someone pulled the portion control crap with me. Seriously, I would get pissed off if someone said "just have one." Before my surgery, I couldn't have just one, it seemed impossible. That has changed though. I have worked way too hard to eat a bag of candy. It's just not worth it and I know I will feel like crap.

Well, I hope you all have a healthy and happy Halloween.
Jenn

My relationship with my band.......

I feel like I'm in a relationship with my band. Sound crazy? Let me explain. Before my surgery it was almost like getting ready for a first date. I was nervous, excited, scared, optimistic etc... What if we weren't compatible? What if we didn't get along? I had my surgery and in the beginning it went okay. Sure, I did get a bit depressed but overall, it went well. I began to build a relationship with my band. I learned about its likes and dislikes. We got along great. In June we had our first major disagreement and as a result I ended up in the emergency room. I was really angry with my band and briefly thought I had made a huge mistake. I quickly recovered and my band and I were living in peace and harmony. In late July my band and I had another major disagreement. This time it resulted in having my band completely emptied. I was miserable for two weeks while unfilled and I was angry at my band yet again. I soon forgave my band and we began to rebuild our relationship. Things were going great until this weekend. I was so happy with my band, my weightloss was going better, I really thought we were in a good place and then, huge disagreement. This time though I took a differant approach. Instead of getting angry with my band, I decided to baby it a little and take things really slow. Although I'm not feeling 100% better, I'm okay. Whenever I think I have this all figured out, I learn something new. I know that my relationship with my band will have its ups and downs but, I couldn't imagine my life without it.
Jenn

Not feeling well....

I went to the Y last Wednesday night to learn how to use the nautilus machines. My fitness coach Judy is awesome!! She really took her time to show me how all of the machines work and explained which part of the body each machine targeted. I felt great and was feeling incredibly motivated. Before bed my throat started to hurt. I shrugged it off and went to bed. I slept horribly and was unbelievably sore when I got out of bed. Within an hour of getting out of bed I developed a fever. I felt miserable all day. The next day was worse so I went to my Doctor. She said I had the flu. Great, just what I need! So, here I am 5 days later and I still feel horrible. I'm aching, my nose is running, and I still have the chills. I considered having a flu shot but didn't think I needed it. I learned my lesson!

Please don't make the same mistake. Whether pre-op or post-op, get a flu shot. I can't believe how sick I still feel. I have barely been able to get out of bed. It's not worth it! I am hoping to get to the Y tomorrow just to get a little exercise in. I will post again when I recover.

Stay Healthy!
Jenn

5 Weeks to Fitness....

I went to my intial consult at the Y the other day for the 5 Weeks to fitness promo I recently joined. I met with my exercise coach. She was really nice and easy to talk to. I told her about my surgery and explained the difficulty I have been having with exercising due to lack of motivation. She gave me a tour of the facility and showed me all of the exercise machines. I was completely overwhelmed. The Sterling Center had a huge renovation a few years ago and all of the equipment is state of the art. The treadmills have built in television screens. I have never seen anything like it.

It was really busy while I was there and I felt so self conscious. This is a problem that I have always had and I don't want it to get in my way of exercising at the gym. It was differant exercising at Heart and Wellness because we were all there for the same reason. I told my coach Judy about how I was feeling. She was so understanding. Judy told me the hours when it's busiest there as well as when it's very slow. I'm sure it's not hard too figure when I'll be going. Anyway, I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful that this will give me the boost I need. I have to start somewhere.

I'll post my results as I go along.

Jenn

Exercise......

I can't seem to get motivated to exercise. I don't know what my problem is but I am constantly making excuses. I will say that I registered for a program at the Y yesterday called 5 weeks to fitness. I'm really excited because with this program I will get to work with a motivational coach. How great is that? It also gives me the opportunity to check out the Y to see if it's a place where I will comfortable to work out. I am still incredibly self conscious, it's ridiculous!! I'll post my results. Also, the program is open to anyone who wants to go. Check out the Y website for details!

Ok, so on another note. At the meeting last night I sat with some incredible women (and men too!). I am so inspired by their success. The sisters (you know who are you!!) are amazing. I love how they get along and how they support each other. Two of them had surgery awhile ago (lapband and bypass) and the third sister had her lapband surgery 5 days ago. They have been incredibly successful but have worked very hard to get where they are. I wish them the very best!! The other people who attend the 8 month post-op group are also amazing. Everyone is incredibly open about they're challenges and successes. It helps make me feel "normal". I feel like I'm in a therapy session, it's awesome.

Before I go, I would like to make one suggestion. Whether you are pre-op or post-op, please make an effort to go to the support groups! You owe it to yourself to get the support from other people who understand what you're going through. I have been going since last August and I look forward to each meeting. I am disappointed when I can't make it and often feel like I have missed out.

Anyway, I'm done blabbing for tonight. I wish you all well!!
Warmly,
Jenn

A few pictures....

For some reason I still don't like having my picture taken. The pictures that I have attached pretty much show my recent progress. The first photo was taken last August, the second was taken in June and the third was taken two days ago. After my horrible experience last year in which the photographer and an employee at the photoshop laughed at my picture, I became incredibly selfconscious about having my picture taken. I just had my head shots done the other day for a work photo and I was in tears up to the time of taking the picture. Can you believe that my previous experience had caused so much anxiety that I almost walked out without having my photo taken?

Well, never again will I let some a**hole crush my selfesteem. I deserve so much better than that. I am so proud of what I have accomplished and it's not just about the weightloss. I haven't been on the scale in about 3 weeks now. I am trying hard to focus on my overall health and well being. Part of being healthy for me is staying off of the scale. I was becoming too obsessive about how much I weighed and was weighing myself 3 times a day. I have removed the scales (yes, I said scales) from my house. It was hard in the beginning but I am so much happier. I can tell that my clothes are getting loose again and that's good enough for me.

I'm heading out for a nice walk so I will write again soon. Thank you to those who have sent me emails. I appreciate your words of support and encouragment....

Jenn

Questions???

I have recently received some emails from people who are considering lapband surgery. I am more than happy to answer questions that anyone has about the surgery and life post-op. I was very fortunate that I met a wonderful and incredibly kind woman, Rhonda, during the begining stages. I discovered that she actually lives about 5 minutes from me. She was a saving grace for me because she was able to answer my questions because she had already been through the process. We would meet at the beach to walk and she listen to me every step of the way. We continue to stay in touch, go to support group meetings together, and are currently planning to start walking again.

My point is that it's sometimes helpful to talk to someone who has been where you are today. Whether you are in the very beginning stage of just considering the surgery and doing the research or you're further along, talking to someone else might help. Everyone's experience is going to be differant but if I can answer any questions, I'm happy to do so. Simply email me and we'll go from there!

Jenn jenncore@comcast.net

One Year Ago...

One year ago I attended my first support group meeting. I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous, motivated, and every other emotion you can imagine. My husband came with me and was incredibly supportive. I remember looking around the room at all of the other people and wondering what their story was. After all, we all have a story. I remember leaving the support group full of hope and questions. I knew, however, that this is what I needed to do.

I attended last weeks support group. Since I am now 8 months post-op I was actually able to attend both groups. The first group was small with less than 20 of us. It was nice to be able to hear about people's successes and challenges. I remember thinking that it must be so easy once you hit the 8 month point but I have discovered that challenges still exist. I knew this to be true for myself but didn't realize that it happens for other people as well. This discovery has made me feel more human. I do have a great friend that I met last summer through an online support group. She has also had some difficulties but I figured we were the exception in all of this. I guess my point in all of this is that this is a very long and sometimes emotional process. Going to the support groups beyond the required 2 is incredibly helpful. It provides an opportunity to talk to other people who are experiencing the same challenges.

The Second group is the regular pre/post-op support group. It seems to have more than doubled in size since last year. I wonder if more people are realizing the long term benefits of having weightloss surgery. At last Monday's group there was a guest speaker addressing depression. I think I went through a different kind of depression than what the Doctor was describing. The first few weeks after surgery went well for me. Other then feeling tired and a little uncomfortable, I feel great. It was when I starting to increase my food intake that things changed a little for me. I was transitioning from one food stage to the next when I began to feel sad. I couldn't quite explain my sadness with words but it was almost as though I was missing something. I also couldn't look at my incisions without getting upset. It's not that my incisions were gross or anything but they kind of made me feel like a failure. After about a week of felling like this it finally clicked, I was mourning food!!!
I had depended on food for everything for so many years that I really missed it. I missed eating large quantities of whatever I wanted. I missed the full feeling I got after, the feeling that comforted me for so many years. It all made sense to me, perfect sense. I had to find something else that made feel good, something thing that brought comfort and a sense of security. I began to feel better about my incisions as well. They weren't a sign of weakness or failure, they are a part of me and my story. This helped me decide to get my real estate license. I put everthing into going to class and passing the test. I am so happy with this choice and have found something that I truely love to do!!!

As I continue to move forward in this journey I have had a lot of self discovery. I have faced challenges but through it all have become a much stronger person. I'm learning to not sweat the small stuff and to celebrate even the tiniest of achievements. I no longer dread social situations and I walk into a room with my head held high. I admit part of this is due to weightloss but it's more than that. I'm still the same person on the inside. I have always considered myself to be kind, caring, and giving. I just struggled with my self confidence. Not anymore! I will not let the opinions or judements of others get in my way.

I have gone on long enough. I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday weekend. This can be stressful time since most of us are dealing with back to school with the kids.

Warmly,
Jenn

Where do I begin????

Things have been so crazy for me lately that I haven't had a chance to slow down. Okay, first things first. I had my appointment with Dr. K about 2 weeks ago to go over the results of my upper G.I. He said that everything looked great and the band was right where it was suppose to be. That made me feel much better. We both agreed that I'm sensitive to fills so I may have to learn to live with 1 1/2 cc's in my band. I'm okay with that because I can't take the chance of not being able to tolerate food or liquid for an extended period of time. I currently have 1 1/2 cc's in my band and I'm doing okay. I do feel restricted most of the time and that keeps me in line. My weightloss have been very slow lately but I know why, I haven't been exercising very much. I need to make that a priority in my life and I'm working on that.

Everything else has been going great. I started my new career in real estate in late March and I have really taken off. One of my clients is closing on her first house on Monday and I have two other buyers who both just put offers on houses. I can't begin to tell you how much I love what I'm doing. I believe that my wieghtloss has really helped boost my self esteem. I'm still the same person I'm just getting myself out there more. I'm not so worried about what other people think of me. I'm really getting to a good place.

I am looking forward to Monday night's meeting. I really miss my friends and can't wait to see them!! It was exactly one year ago when I went to my first informational/support group meeting. My life has changed so much in one year, it's incredible. I am finally ready to post some updated photos and I will do so in next entry. I wish you all health and happiness!!!!

Jenn

The Last Lecture....

I'm sure most of you have heard about Randy Pausch, the professor who recently passed away from cancer of the pancreas. I purchased his book a few weeks ago, "The Last Lecture", and didn't put it down until I finished reading it. This book was incredible and really helped me look at my life through different eyes. I think we all tend to take things for granted sometimes and Randy's story reminded me that life is so unpredictable. He lived his life until the very end and never complained about the fact that he was going to die. I complain about almost everything, subconsciously of course! I complain when it's too hot, the line is too long at the store, traffic is backed up and so on. I'm so blessed that I can enjoy the weather, go into a store, or get in my car and drive. I have decided to make a conscious effort to appreciate all that I have everyday whether good or bad. I don't want have regrets and miss out on the things that bring me joy. "Life is too short".

Randy includes many incredible quotes in his book. I have printed a few of them and placed them in my office. There's one I really like, "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". That makes so much sense to me and all that I have experienced in my own life.

If you're looking for an inspirational story that will make you laugh and cry, I encourage you to read this book. If nothing else, it will help put your own life into perspective and will remind you to enjoy life!

Until next time,
Jenn

UPDATE......

Alot has happened since my last entry. I'm sorry for not posting sooner. So, in my last post I expressed my frustration with my band and not feeling restricted. A few days after my post I got another fill with Dr. K. Everything was great for the first few days and then I couldn't keep anything down. It was just like the last time when I ended up in the emergency room. This time I didn't wait, I called Dr. K and went in immediately for a complete unfill. This wasn't what I really wanted to do but I was getting ready to go on vacation for a week and the last thing I needed was to be in the emergency room far from home. Anyway I felt relief immediately after being unfilled. Believe it or not I wasn't upset about it this time. It's more important for me to be healthy than to be restricted to the point of not being able to hold down fluids.

Dr. K was concerned that there could be something else going on so he made an appointment for me to have an upper G.I a few days later. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect but the staff at Salem Hospital were awesome!!! They explained everything that was going to happen and answered all of my questions. The Dr. that performed my upper G.I was so adorable (yes, I'm married, but he was really cute!). He said everything looked pretty good but that I definately have acid reflux. I told him that I don't feel any of the symptoms so I was kind of surprised. I have an appointment with Dr. K on Thursday to go over the results in detail.

Overall I would say I'm feeling pretty good. I just got back from a week on the Cape so I'm very relaxed and tan. I didn't have any restriction while away but I did my best not to stress or obsess about it. I ate what I wanted but certainly was cautious not to over do it. I am not going to weigh myself until after I get a fill on Thursday because I don't want to get caught up in the cycle.

I am disappointed because I haven't been able to go to the last 2 support groups. I miss checking in with everyone and hearing about the progress and challenges that other people are facing. I can't wait for the next meeting because I can actually start going to the 8 month support group as well as the other group. I have to tell you what an amazing woman Pat Basile O'Hearn is. After reading my last post she emailed me because she was concerned about how I was feeling. The fact that she took the time out of her crazy busy schedule meant the world to me. She made me feel so important and I know she would and does do the same for everyone. This is really what makes the program at Salem stand out from all of the rest....

Fondly,
Jenn

P.S If I could just add one final thing, please be patient if you have to go into the office to see Dr. K or Dr. Buckley. At my last appointment I had to wait for quite some time. Some of the other patients were complaining. Believe me, it's not the Dr's fault. They don't make us wait on purpose, unfortunately they get called away for an unexpected emergency from time to time. The office staff is great and they do their best to let us know how long we can expect to wait.

Sooooo Frustrated!!!!!

I have been feeling incredibly frustrated lately. Ever since my episode a few weeks ago I have felt very little restriction. Even with the fill I got about two weeks ago, the restriction I felt before is gone! I have another appointment on Wednesday with Dr. K for another fill. I don't know why I am not feeling as restricted as I was before. I have been really good about not eating crap but I can definately eat more than I was. My weight hasn't changed in about 3 -4 weeks now. I mean I'm happy that I haven't gained but seriously, not losing is totally stressing me out. These are the moments when I question my decision to have lapband instead of the bypass. I can't help but wonder how much weight I would have lost if I had the bypass surgery instead????

Honestly, I know that lapband surgery was the best decision for me. Even now, I don't regret it. I do tend to get caught up with my weightloss every now and again but overall feel positive about my decision. This hasn't been easy but god knows where I would be if I hadn't had surgery. I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. I think I'm also having a hard time not seeing people from Heart and Wellness. That program was so helpful for me. It was the one time during the week when I was truly comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I belonged and everyone accepted me for me. I have made some really great friends in the program and I'm hopeful to get together with them in the near future. I often think of the other amazing people who are either in the program now or who have graduated. They are all such inspirations to me and I wish each and every one of them a lifetime of happiness.

Well, I feel better being able to get my frustrastions out. Other than my husband Larry and a few other people, I'm not able to talk openly about how I'm feeling when it comes to my weightloss surgery. Although I think people try to understand it's almost impossible unless they have gone through a similar experience. Oh well, I'm done with my pity party. Good Night!

I fit in the chair!!!!!

Let me explain. At the end of every school year I get a gift certificate to the Beverly Depot restaurant in Beverly as a thank you for driving my friend's son to school. I love the food but always dread going because I never quite fit in the chair. The chairs I'm talking about are rounded so I could never actually sit back. This always caused me so much stress and anxiety but I managed to suck it up for the sake of a good meal and a night out with my husband.

We had a long day yesterday so we decided to go to the Depot for dinner. My anxiety began about 1/2 before we left for dinner. I was trying hard to put it out of my mind but I just couldn't. When Larry and I got to the restaurant it was pretty dead. I was surprised because there's usually a very long wait. We were brought to our table which was over in a corner. I was happy about the location because I figured I would be hidden from the other people eating dinner. I pulled out my chair, held my breath, and sat down. I couldn't believe it, I could actually sit all the way back in the seat. I started to tear up. Larry looked at me but didn't say a word. He knew exactly what I was experiencing.

It's kind of sad that something that a lot people take for granted caused so much stress and anxiety for me every time I went to this restaurant. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of embarrassment and humiliation. It happens everyday on airplanes, in movie theatres, at baseball games, and so on. It's so frustrating that society has this "one size fits all" mentality. If you don't fit into this category then something is wrong with you. Here's what I think, there's nothing wrong with any of us. We all have a story, a heart, and a soul. We don't have the right to judge other people and don't deserve to be judged by others. We are all different and that's what makes us all beautiful people. I know this sounds a little cliche' but it really doesn't matter what's on the outside. It's who we are and who we chose to be that matters most.

Finally feeling better...

So here I am almost 6 months post-op thinking I'm all set right? Wrong!!!! About 2 weeks ago I got the scare of a lifetime. It started on a Thursday night. Larry was eating steak and it looked sooo good. I decided to have a bite. I chewed and chewed (or at least I think I did) until it pretty much dissolved in my mouth. A little while later I got a stuck feeling. This can be common with lapband surgery if something doesn't pass through the band. I ended up vomiting and thought that was it. That night I had a little indigestion when I went to sleep. It wasn't a big deal and I ignored it and went to bed. Friday morning I had the stuck feeling again so I decided I would take it easy with my food choices for the day. I stuck to mostly soft foods. For the most part it was an uneventful day. Friday night I woke up with a bad case of heart burn. This is something I haven't experienced since before surgery. I was a little surprised but I shrugged it off and went back to bed. On Saturday morning I felt a little stuck again. I had a bottle of water that I sipped on throughout the morning but that was it. I wasn't quite feeling like myself so I took it easy for most of the day. In the afternoon I had a Popsicle and it literally came right back up. I tried water, it came back up. By this point I was pretty exhausted so I decided to take a nap. Bad Idea! I woke up choking from such severe acid reflux. I knew something was wrong so I called my sister and she took me to Emergency Room. By this point I was miserable and I was an enormous amount of pressure in my chest. The E.R doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack (I assured him I wasn't) so he put me on a heart monitor. I spent the next three hours vomiting uncontrollably. It was horrible! Now, since I live in Beverly I went to Beverly hospital. I should've gone directly to Salem since that's where I had my surgery. After taking x-rays the Dr. decided to send me over to Salem by ambulance. I was horrified, I kept thinking that the ambulance drivers would never be able to lift me. Can you imagine that's what was going through my mind!

I finally arrived at Salem and began to vomit a few more times. Dr. Buckley came in to see me. He decided to take all of the fluid out of my band (1 1/2 cc's) to see if that helped. A few minutes later I began to feel better. He gave me instructions and told me to take it easier for a few days. He also said that I would have to wait at least a week before I could have a fill and warned me (in a very nice way) to be careful not to overeat since my band was empty.

A few days later I saw my regular Doctor. She received the report from the hospital. I apparently had a blockage in my esophagus which was causing the pressure and the vomiting. The steak probably caused the initial problem and then because of the vomiting my pouch began to swell. I hope I never experience that again. When you go to the initial lapband group Pat will tell you that if you can't keep liquids down for 12 hours, call your surgeon and go directly to the Emergency Room. I think that's the best advice I have ever heard.

I was finally able to get a fill on Monday. Dr. K was awesome and very caring. He encouraged me to call him if it happens again and then go to Salem. I did pretty well for the 2 weeks without anything in my band but I could totally feel the difference. I think the fact that I had surgery almost 6 months ago helped keep me on track with eating. I have worked really hard changing my whole mindset when it comes to food and, after being tested, I'm proud to say that I am finally developing a healthy relationship with food.

Graduation......

I graduated from Heart and Wellness today. To be honest it was really kind of bittersweet. On one hand I'm so ready to move on and do this on my own but on the other hand, I really enjoyed meeting the new people and the accountibilty of weighing in has really kept me focused.

When you graduate from H & W, you're called up (this is totally optional) to say a few words about your experiences before surgery and what's going on currently. I shared a bit about my experiences but really want to make a statement before I left. I decided to make a "top ten" list of what I have discovered while at H & W. You can thank David Letterman for this inspiration:

10. I don't need food for comfort

9. I actually like Hummus (thanks Melinda)

8. I can take my own heart rate

7. I hate the treadmill

6. I'm not the only one who burps and passes gas like a man

5. The number on the scale really doesn't matter (well, maybe just a little)

4. Even though I complain about coming here I'm really going to miss it

3. I actually have a collar bone

2. I'm not too old to make new friends.

1. I am as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside

I would say that sums it up. I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy journey for me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had a really bad couple of days last weekend and ended up in the Emergency room. I will include the details in my next post. For now I just want to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I'm feeling. I have never felt better and I honestly feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to......

Losing my security blanket

My weight has been my security blanket for a really long time and now that I'm losing weight I'm having a hard time adjusting. I began having "food issues" at a very young age. My childhood was so unpredictable that the one thing I could totally depend on was food. It was always there when I needed it and never deserted me. We became great friends. Surprisingly, I really wasn't overweight as a child, maybe a little chubby.

Unfortunately my body developed at an early age. Along with my new body came new and totally unwanted attention. When I was 12 years old I was having a sleepover at my friend's house. Her older brother spent an unusual amount of time hanging out with us before bedtime. We went to sleep around 11:00 and I woke up a few hours later to him touching me. Now, before I go any further with this story I want to explain why I'm sharing this very personal and private part of my life. For many years I blamed myself for what had happened to me and I began to hide behind my weight. The fatter I got, the less attention I got from the opposite sex. I was a victim of something that wasn't my fault yet I continued to victimize and punish myself. Through years of therapy I have been able to heal and let go of the guilt that I let control my life. I have shared that part of my life with a few close people and to my surprise, this has happened to some of them as well. If I can help one person who has been through something similar, it's well worth sharing my story.

I can't quite explain the fear I felt when I woke up to my friend's brother touching me. I was petrified!!! At first I was disoriented and a little confused. It took a few seconds to sink in. When I realized what was really going on I hit him and told him to leave me alone or I would tell his mother. He apologized and said he was only "joking". Well if that was a joke I certainly didn't get the punchline.

I never told a soul what had happened that night, not even my friend. The first time I acknowledge that it had ever happened was a few years ago in therapy. Needless to say, I stopped going over her house and eventually we lost contact. I began binge eating more often and found comfort in my fat. I felt protected because I knew no one would want to touch me and that was the greatest feeling in the world.

As I lose more weight, I have noticed that people are paying more attention to me. Even though I worked through what had happened to me in therapy, I have to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable. If I see someone looking at me or if they try to talk to me I tend to not make eye contact. I'm sure that sounds a little crazy but it's just something I'm trying to deal with and make sense of.

I have learned a lot since having my surgery, most importantly,that losing weight is only half of the battle. The emotional side of this is really the challenge. I expected that I would hit an emotional road block every now and then but didn't really expect alot of the feelings I'm experiencing now. I continue to see my therapist about once a month so I'm confidant that I will be able to work through this challenge as well as the many others that I have yet to face......

The number is not important..

The number I'm talking about is the number on the scale. I have been hearing that a lot lately especially at Heart and Wellness. I understand the reasoning behind it but I have to tell you it's nearly impossible to not get "caught up" with the number. Before my surgery I wouldn't get on the scale if my life depended on it. When I got weighed at the Dr.'s office I got on the scale backwards and told the Dr. that I didn't want to know. After my surgery I became obsessed with weighing myself. I have two scales in my bathroom for goodness sake. If that isn't obsession I don't know what is.

When I first started at Heart and Wellness I have to admit it was really hard. The exercising and group sessions were the easy part it was seeing people who have had the bypass lose twice as much weight as I had. I would often go home feeling defeated. It's a fact that lapbanders lose weight at a much slower pace. All of the research I did support that so it wasn't a total shock when I saw it happening first hand. Of course I was happy for the bypassers and, I'm embarrassed to admit, probably a little jealous. My weightloss average is 1-2 pounds a week and in the beginning it felt like I was never going to lose weight. I'm the type of person who needs instant results in order to feel successful.

So, here I am 22 weeks after my surgery and I have lost 42 pounds. Initially I thought I would have lost over 50 pounds by this point but I have realized that wasn't a realistic expectation. I am so proud of myself for having the courage to take this step in the first place and although it is has been a gradual and challenging process, I feel amazing! I have so much more energy and my self confidence has gone through the roof. I have a physical in a few weeks and I can't wait to see how much my health has improved.

If you were to ask me today if the number on the scale still matters I would honestly say "not so much". I have a new number that I'm focused on and that's the number of years I have added to my life by taking this step. I want to be here when my son graduates from high school. I want to dance with him at his wedding and hold my first grandchild. I feel like I have a second chance at life and I'm going to enjoy every precious moment.....

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day has always been very emotional for me. It's hard to explain but I'll do my best. I have a beautiful 13 year old son whom I love more than anything. He keeps me grounded and reminds me to enjoy and appreciate the smaller things in life. This is what makes Mother's Day special for me. On the other side, I have my mother. My mother is mentally ill and currently resides in a local nursing home.

I come from a large family of nine children, 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My mother had all of us by the time she was 30! Can you even begin to imagine that, 9 kids by the age of 30? Anyway, my father was an alcoholic and often left my mother for days on end. Unfortunately my mother had a nervous breakdown and the state came in and separated my family. I was three at the time. Over the years my mother was in and out of my life. My twin sister and I lived with our aunt and uncle (totally dysfunctional!!!) during our childhood and my mother would come to visit when she was well enough. She always slept in my bed with me. I would cry and beg her not to leave but unfortunately, she always did. The next day after she left I would go around the house touching everything she last touch in an effort to feel connected to her, it was very sad. This continued until I was about 13. It was Mother's Day and my oldest brother planned a nice lunch out for my mother, brothers and sisters. It was wonderful! We didn't get together as a family often so when we did it was magical (at least it was in my mind). During lunch mom told us about her new boyfriend Lenny. She was living with him and was very happy. I remember how beautiful she looked and how much she smiled. I wanted that day to last forever! After lunch, my brother dropped her off close to her new apartment. She said she would see us again soon and I couldn't be happier!

Months passed and my mother didn't come to see me or anyone else in my family. Whenever I was out, I would look for her but she never showed up. The months turned into years and before I knew it I was a senior in high school. It was a few days before graduation when I got the call, someone found my mother! I couldn't believe it, my mother was okay. The next morning instead of going to school, I hopped on the bus and went to see her in the hospital. I walked into her room and saw this fragile little woman lying on the bed. I thought I was in the wrong room but when she said my name, I knew it was her. I went over to her and held her hand. I told her I loved her and promised that I would never let her get lost again.

After a few days in the hospital and with the proper medication my mother began to tell me about the last five years of her life. Lenny, the boyfriend that made her so happy, kept her locked in an apartment. He locked it from the outside so she couldn't leave. There wasn't a phone and there was no way for her to go out. When her social security check would come, he made her sign it and then he cashed the check taking all of her money. Apparently one night Lenny forgot to lock the door when he left. It was by the grace of god that my mother figured out the door was unlocked and she left. Unfortunately my mother hadn't been on her medication for quite some time so she was disoriented and confused. The police picked her up in the middle of the night walking the streets in a nightgown and brought her to the hospital.

For whatever reason, no one else in my family stepped to the plate to help my mother at this point. I don't know if there were upset about her being gone or what the deal was but that wasn't going to stop me. I gave up going to college to help my mother get the care she needed.

Since I was 18 (18 years ago) , I have been the only one in my family involved in my mother's life on a daily basis. My brother's (only two of them) and my twin sister have seen her on rare occasions but I have been the one who has always been there fighting for what she needs. After a brief stay in a state hospital I was able to get my mother into a residential group home with other people with similar mental illness. She thrived for many year until a setback about a year ago that landed her in a nursing home.

I continue to see my mother on a daily basis. She has aged quite a bit since being in the nursing home but still has the spunk that helped her overcome so many challenges in her life. When I visited her today, she had a sadness about her that I haven't seen in a very long time. When I asked her what she was thinking about she apologized and said she was sorry. I didn't know what she was apologizing for so I probed a little further. She said she was sorry for not being a good mother to me and my brothers and sisters. She was sorry for the horrible childhoods we all suffered. It took me a second to respond because I had a huge lump in my throat and the tears were creeping up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and I told her that I love her and that I have always loved her. I don't blame her for not being there for me and I'm so grateful to have her in my life now. I couldn't say anything else at that moment and so we just sat in silence for a few minutes before I had to go.

On the way home I sat quietly in the car with Larry. He asked me if I was okay and I said that I was. I then try to explain what I was feeling. My whole life I wanted a mother that I could take out for lunch on Mother's day or who I could ask for advice when I was having a hard time. I wanted a mother I could be proud of and not have to apologize for because of her lack of social skills and her appearance. I always felt guilty for feeling this way, I just wanted a "normal" mother.

Something changed for me today. After all of these years of wishing and hoping, I discovered that I do in fact have an amazing mother. A mother I should be very proud of! She has been through more than any person should ever have to experience in a lifetime yet she rarely complains. Through fighting for her, I have learned to advocate for myself. I have learned to stand on my own two feet and fight for what I believe in. My mother is many things to me but today she became my hero........

Monday Night Support Groups and Such........

Once a month there are two weightloss support groups. The first one is for patients who are 8 months (I think it's 8) post-op and the other is for pre-op and post-op for WLS. Before surgery you are required to attend at least 2 meetings to meet part of the pre-op requirements. I love going to the support groups and continue to go even though my surgery was 4 months ago. It's a great opportunity to hear about everyone's progress as well as meet new people who are in the beginning stages of Weightloss surgery. Pat is the coordinator and is great!!! She tells it like it is and is very open and honest about her own experiences. Annie is also another amazing woman. She works with Dr. Buckley and Dr. Kastrinakis and is also very honest about her experiences with gastric bypass.

It seems like there are people who don't quite get the importance of the 12 week follow up program at Heart and Wellness. This program was one of the main reasons I chose to have my surgery at NSMC. My primary care physician is affiliated with another hospital and when I discussed surgery with her, she strongly recommended the other hospital. When I explained all of the support that is available at NSMC as well as the 12 week program she totally agreed with my decision. The 12 weeks is not optional, it's required and is a necessity. The program is not just about exercise. We exercise for about 30 - 40 minutes, practice relaxation, and have group sessions that include anything from nutrition to stress reduction and long term success. This is a great opportunity to get on the right track right from the beginning. We're so lucky to have this program available to us!

Choosing to have weightloss surgery is just the beginning of a very long and challenging journey. It is not a quick fix and requires strength that comes from deep within your soul. I'm incredibly happy with my decision even though I continue to struggle with the emotional part of my new life. I take advantage of all of the support that is available and am learning how to adjust to a new way of living.

My New Career!

My husband Larry and I currently own a small business. Larry has always been in sales and has an amazing work ethic. He works hard and complains very little. In my past life, I was a preschool teacher. I love children so it was very natural for me to take on that role. My education is all based on Early Childhood Education. Last summer Larry decided to renew his real estate license so he could sell real estate part time. I signed on as his Adman, in other words, his assistant. I'm incredibly self conscious so I was happy to take on a behind the scenes role. I couldn't imagine myself selling real estate, who would want to buy a house from someone like me? Well, along the way, I discovered that I really love real estate. I enrolled in a real estate licensing class on Feb. 11th and took the test on March 26th. I was surprised that I actually passed the test because it was incredibly difficult.

I would never have had the courage to take this chance in the past. People are so judgemental and I've become accustomed to either being ignored or treated like I was worthless. I know that I deserve so much better than that. I've come to the conclusion that if someone has a problem with me, it's their problem, not mine!

Yesterday I signed my first buyer's contract!!! It has given me such a sense of accomplishment and confidence. I know my new career holds challenges and I don't expect it to be easy but I'm so proud of myself for having the strength and courage to step outside of my comfort zone to take a chance. This is just the beginning!

Four Months Later......

I had lapband surgery almost four months ago. As of this morning, I have lost 34 1/2 pounds! It works out to be about a little more than 2 pds. a week. It has been a slow but gradual process. 2 pds. a week doesn't seem like much especially in the beginning. I'm the type of person who needs to see instant results in order to stay motivated. I developed an obsession with the scale and weighing myself. I actually have two scales in my bathroom, ridiculous right? I have recently realized that my obsession is actually fear, fear of failure. I have lost and gained weight so many times in my life, how do I know this won't happen again?

My life really has changed since I had surgery. Unlike "diets" I have attempted in the past, having lapband has really challenged me on so many levels. I constantly have to think about what I'm going to eat and I have to chew, chew, chew or I will get sick. Going out to eat is not what it use to be either. I have a hard time eating things that I have always loved such as pasta, rice, and bread and I'm tired of explaining to the waitress that the food is great but I'm full when there's still a whole plate of food left. On a positive note, I am learning how to develop a healthy relationship with food. Really, I am learning how to eat for nourishment and not so much for comfort. It hasn't been easy but I'm beginning to find positive ways to manage my stress without reaching for a handful of something to eat to make me feel better. I never thought the day would come when I could eat a small portion of food and be satisfied. I feel great when I look at the plate, especially at a restaurant, and there's still a huge portion left.

This morning I have decided to put things into perspective and to celebrate my success. I would never have been able to lose 34 1/2 pounds without my lapband. I know I will continue to face challenges and obstacles but I am going to remind myself to live my life one day at a time and appreciate all of the wonderful gifts I am so fortunate to have....

Heart and Wellness

I attended my heart and wellness exercise session yesterday morning. It was actually one of the best classes yet for me. Honestly, I have to admit, it's hard to go every Tuesday morning. Once I'm there I'm fine, it's just the act of getting there that can be a challenge. Anyway, I have really taken a liking to the people in my class. They are funny, caring, kind, open, supportive, honest (I could go on and on). It's the only day of the week that I truly feel comfortable in my own skin. Each one of us has our own story and that's what makes it such a great place to be. I look forward to hearing about everyone's progress and the challenges they have overcome.

I'm trying really hard not to get caught up with how much weight I have lost. Generally people who have lapband surgery lose weight at a much slower rate than people who had gastric bypass.I do have my moments where I wish I had bypass instead of lapband because the weight loss is faster but then I remind myself of why I chose lapband in the first place. This really is a long process and it's different for all of us.

After exercise class we had a group discussion with Maureen about changes after weight loss surgery. It was a great discussion and I value and appreciate everyone's willingness to share their experiences along with the support they offer. Of course we all realize that there are the physical changes that take place after surgery but I under estimated the emotional changes that I would go through. I am having a hard time finding myself in this process. Does that make sense? My weight has become part of my identity for a really long time and though it's sounds strange to admit, it has become my security blanket. I also miss the comfort I use to get from overeating even though it was always a temporary fix. I used food for comfort since I was 9 years old. It's really hard to learn how to work through difficult times without looking to food to make me feel better. I'm working hard to get to a good place with all of this and I know it's going to take time. For now, my goal is to take it one step at a time.

Post-Op Recovery

I was released from the hospital the day after my surgery. Part of me was excited to be leaving and the other part was scared. Surprisingly, I wasn't in a lot of pain. I was uncomfortable but it was totally manageable. My throat was really sore still and I had developed a huge blister on the inside of my mouth. Popsicles became my best friend for the first few days. The first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself. Now why did I do that???? My weight was 264, exactly what it was right before my surgery. I automatically felt defeated which, by the way, was ridiculous. I don't know what I expected to happen when I got on the scale, I guess I was hoping that I would have lost something. When I made the final decision that I was going to have surgery I had realistic expectations. I knew that my weight loss was going to be a very long and slow process. My actions that day would set the tone for the next few months to follow. I knew this was going to be hard but I never imagined the challenges I would encounter along the way.

The best Christmas present ever!

I had lap band surgery on December 26, 2007 at NSMC. The weeks leading up to my surgery proved to be challenging to say the least. When Annie called to give me my surgery date I cried, I really cried. I think it was a combination of things that brought on my emotional state. I attended my first seminar in late August and from that moment on I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was excited, scared, motivated, determined, scared (yes, I said scared twice) and the list goes on. I researched everything I could about the surgery so I really felt well informed about what was going to happen.

I decided that I was only going to tell a few people that I was having weight loss surgery. It’s not that I was ashamed of having the surgery, it was just the decision I made. For the first time in a very long time I was making this about me. My husband has been my biggest supporter and I am so unbelievably grateful for that. Larry supported the surgery from the moment I told him about it. He went to my appointment with my primary care physician, attended the first seminar, and met Dr. Kastrinakis at my surgery consult. I was very impressed with all of the questions he asked. I also decided to tell my 13 year old son (he was 12 at the time) about my decision. Corey’s reaction was incredible. Honestly for a 12 year old boy, he really surprised me. After explaining the surgery to him, Corey gave me a huge hug and said he was proud of me for doing something that would help make me a healthier person. I was touched by his response and so incredibly grateful that this boy was my child.

On the morning of surgery, I kissed my son and gave him a hug. I didn’t say good-bye because that seemed too final for me. I told him that I would see him later when he came to visit me. Corey wished me luck and told me he loved me. I turned my head quickly so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. Larry and I got into the car and headed on our way. Larry kept the conversation light but, to be honest, I really wasn’t listening. I sat silently staring out at the early morning sky. I was calm, excited, scared, and nervous at the same time. I was afraid that if I talked about how I was feeling with Larry, I would lose it and start crying. A few minutes before we reached the hospital I finally spoke my first words since we had been in the car. I told Larry that I loved him and that I was so lucky to have him in my life. I reminded him of my wishes should something happen to me and told him to make sure Corey knew how much I loved him. I didn’t say another word until we arrived at the surgi-center.

It was fairly busy at the surgi-center considering it was only 6:30 am. While I was waiting to check in, I looked at the other people in the waiting room. I was trying to figure out why they were there and I bet they were wondering the same thing about me. After checking in, Larry and I went to a different sitting area. We were the only two there so we watched T.V and read magazines. Larry wanted to stay at the hospital and wait while I was in surgery. I convinced him to leave once I went in. It didn’t make sense for him to sit and wait when he wouldn’t be able to see me until I went to my room anyway.

The nurse finally came out to get me. This was it, I couldn’t believe it! Larry and I hugged and he gave me a quick kiss before I turned to leave. I refused to say goodbye to him so I told him I would see him later. The O.R holding area was pretty quiet. The nurse gave me a johnnie and showed me where to change. One of the O.R nurses sat on the edge of my bed for a few minutes to watch Ellen with me. It was pretty cool and although this might sound strange, it made me feel important.

The anesthesiologist came in soon after and got me ready for surgery. Dr. K stopped in and asked me if I had any questions and when I couldn’t think of any, I was wheeled into surgery.

Surgery was over before I knew it. I felt like I had just closed my eyes and someone was telling me that I was done. The first thing I remember after surgery was how dry my throat was. I felt like I had a mouth full of cotton, there wasn’t a drop of moisture to be found. When the nurse asked me if I wanted a Popsicle, I almost cried. That orange Popsicle was the best tasting I had ever had. I stayed in the post-op holding area for about an hour and then was brought up to my room. One of the best things about having surgery on the day after Christmas was that there weren’t many other surgeries scheduled that day. I was in a room large enough for 4 people but I ended up having the whole room to myself.

I don’t remember a whole lot during the rest of my first day in the hospital. I know that I slept a lot but for the most part, it’s all a blur. My husband and son along with my sister, niece, and nephew came up to visit around 6:00pm. My throat was very sore so my voice was very hoarse. I remember feeling nauseous so I encouraged my visitors to go home so I could rest. I was in a little bit of pain but it was manageable. I requested a heating pad because my shoulder was sore; I was told it was gas pains.

I woke up a few hours later to Larry sleeping in the chair next to my bed. I don’t remember him coming back. I didn’t wake him right away because he looked so peaceful and as crazy as it sounds, I enjoyed watching him sleep. It was around 10:00 when I finally woke Larry up and sent him home. It had been a very long day.