I fit in the chair!!!!!

Let me explain. At the end of every school year I get a gift certificate to the Beverly Depot restaurant in Beverly as a thank you for driving my friend's son to school. I love the food but always dread going because I never quite fit in the chair. The chairs I'm talking about are rounded so I could never actually sit back. This always caused me so much stress and anxiety but I managed to suck it up for the sake of a good meal and a night out with my husband.

We had a long day yesterday so we decided to go to the Depot for dinner. My anxiety began about 1/2 before we left for dinner. I was trying hard to put it out of my mind but I just couldn't. When Larry and I got to the restaurant it was pretty dead. I was surprised because there's usually a very long wait. We were brought to our table which was over in a corner. I was happy about the location because I figured I would be hidden from the other people eating dinner. I pulled out my chair, held my breath, and sat down. I couldn't believe it, I could actually sit all the way back in the seat. I started to tear up. Larry looked at me but didn't say a word. He knew exactly what I was experiencing.

It's kind of sad that something that a lot people take for granted caused so much stress and anxiety for me every time I went to this restaurant. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of embarrassment and humiliation. It happens everyday on airplanes, in movie theatres, at baseball games, and so on. It's so frustrating that society has this "one size fits all" mentality. If you don't fit into this category then something is wrong with you. Here's what I think, there's nothing wrong with any of us. We all have a story, a heart, and a soul. We don't have the right to judge other people and don't deserve to be judged by others. We are all different and that's what makes us all beautiful people. I know this sounds a little cliche' but it really doesn't matter what's on the outside. It's who we are and who we chose to be that matters most.

Finally feeling better...

So here I am almost 6 months post-op thinking I'm all set right? Wrong!!!! About 2 weeks ago I got the scare of a lifetime. It started on a Thursday night. Larry was eating steak and it looked sooo good. I decided to have a bite. I chewed and chewed (or at least I think I did) until it pretty much dissolved in my mouth. A little while later I got a stuck feeling. This can be common with lapband surgery if something doesn't pass through the band. I ended up vomiting and thought that was it. That night I had a little indigestion when I went to sleep. It wasn't a big deal and I ignored it and went to bed. Friday morning I had the stuck feeling again so I decided I would take it easy with my food choices for the day. I stuck to mostly soft foods. For the most part it was an uneventful day. Friday night I woke up with a bad case of heart burn. This is something I haven't experienced since before surgery. I was a little surprised but I shrugged it off and went back to bed. On Saturday morning I felt a little stuck again. I had a bottle of water that I sipped on throughout the morning but that was it. I wasn't quite feeling like myself so I took it easy for most of the day. In the afternoon I had a Popsicle and it literally came right back up. I tried water, it came back up. By this point I was pretty exhausted so I decided to take a nap. Bad Idea! I woke up choking from such severe acid reflux. I knew something was wrong so I called my sister and she took me to Emergency Room. By this point I was miserable and I was an enormous amount of pressure in my chest. The E.R doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack (I assured him I wasn't) so he put me on a heart monitor. I spent the next three hours vomiting uncontrollably. It was horrible! Now, since I live in Beverly I went to Beverly hospital. I should've gone directly to Salem since that's where I had my surgery. After taking x-rays the Dr. decided to send me over to Salem by ambulance. I was horrified, I kept thinking that the ambulance drivers would never be able to lift me. Can you imagine that's what was going through my mind!

I finally arrived at Salem and began to vomit a few more times. Dr. Buckley came in to see me. He decided to take all of the fluid out of my band (1 1/2 cc's) to see if that helped. A few minutes later I began to feel better. He gave me instructions and told me to take it easier for a few days. He also said that I would have to wait at least a week before I could have a fill and warned me (in a very nice way) to be careful not to overeat since my band was empty.

A few days later I saw my regular Doctor. She received the report from the hospital. I apparently had a blockage in my esophagus which was causing the pressure and the vomiting. The steak probably caused the initial problem and then because of the vomiting my pouch began to swell. I hope I never experience that again. When you go to the initial lapband group Pat will tell you that if you can't keep liquids down for 12 hours, call your surgeon and go directly to the Emergency Room. I think that's the best advice I have ever heard.

I was finally able to get a fill on Monday. Dr. K was awesome and very caring. He encouraged me to call him if it happens again and then go to Salem. I did pretty well for the 2 weeks without anything in my band but I could totally feel the difference. I think the fact that I had surgery almost 6 months ago helped keep me on track with eating. I have worked really hard changing my whole mindset when it comes to food and, after being tested, I'm proud to say that I am finally developing a healthy relationship with food.

Graduation......

I graduated from Heart and Wellness today. To be honest it was really kind of bittersweet. On one hand I'm so ready to move on and do this on my own but on the other hand, I really enjoyed meeting the new people and the accountibilty of weighing in has really kept me focused.

When you graduate from H & W, you're called up (this is totally optional) to say a few words about your experiences before surgery and what's going on currently. I shared a bit about my experiences but really want to make a statement before I left. I decided to make a "top ten" list of what I have discovered while at H & W. You can thank David Letterman for this inspiration:

10. I don't need food for comfort

9. I actually like Hummus (thanks Melinda)

8. I can take my own heart rate

7. I hate the treadmill

6. I'm not the only one who burps and passes gas like a man

5. The number on the scale really doesn't matter (well, maybe just a little)

4. Even though I complain about coming here I'm really going to miss it

3. I actually have a collar bone

2. I'm not too old to make new friends.

1. I am as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside

I would say that sums it up. I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy journey for me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had a really bad couple of days last weekend and ended up in the Emergency room. I will include the details in my next post. For now I just want to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I'm feeling. I have never felt better and I honestly feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to......

Losing my security blanket

My weight has been my security blanket for a really long time and now that I'm losing weight I'm having a hard time adjusting. I began having "food issues" at a very young age. My childhood was so unpredictable that the one thing I could totally depend on was food. It was always there when I needed it and never deserted me. We became great friends. Surprisingly, I really wasn't overweight as a child, maybe a little chubby.

Unfortunately my body developed at an early age. Along with my new body came new and totally unwanted attention. When I was 12 years old I was having a sleepover at my friend's house. Her older brother spent an unusual amount of time hanging out with us before bedtime. We went to sleep around 11:00 and I woke up a few hours later to him touching me. Now, before I go any further with this story I want to explain why I'm sharing this very personal and private part of my life. For many years I blamed myself for what had happened to me and I began to hide behind my weight. The fatter I got, the less attention I got from the opposite sex. I was a victim of something that wasn't my fault yet I continued to victimize and punish myself. Through years of therapy I have been able to heal and let go of the guilt that I let control my life. I have shared that part of my life with a few close people and to my surprise, this has happened to some of them as well. If I can help one person who has been through something similar, it's well worth sharing my story.

I can't quite explain the fear I felt when I woke up to my friend's brother touching me. I was petrified!!! At first I was disoriented and a little confused. It took a few seconds to sink in. When I realized what was really going on I hit him and told him to leave me alone or I would tell his mother. He apologized and said he was only "joking". Well if that was a joke I certainly didn't get the punchline.

I never told a soul what had happened that night, not even my friend. The first time I acknowledge that it had ever happened was a few years ago in therapy. Needless to say, I stopped going over her house and eventually we lost contact. I began binge eating more often and found comfort in my fat. I felt protected because I knew no one would want to touch me and that was the greatest feeling in the world.

As I lose more weight, I have noticed that people are paying more attention to me. Even though I worked through what had happened to me in therapy, I have to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable. If I see someone looking at me or if they try to talk to me I tend to not make eye contact. I'm sure that sounds a little crazy but it's just something I'm trying to deal with and make sense of.

I have learned a lot since having my surgery, most importantly,that losing weight is only half of the battle. The emotional side of this is really the challenge. I expected that I would hit an emotional road block every now and then but didn't really expect alot of the feelings I'm experiencing now. I continue to see my therapist about once a month so I'm confidant that I will be able to work through this challenge as well as the many others that I have yet to face......

The number is not important..

The number I'm talking about is the number on the scale. I have been hearing that a lot lately especially at Heart and Wellness. I understand the reasoning behind it but I have to tell you it's nearly impossible to not get "caught up" with the number. Before my surgery I wouldn't get on the scale if my life depended on it. When I got weighed at the Dr.'s office I got on the scale backwards and told the Dr. that I didn't want to know. After my surgery I became obsessed with weighing myself. I have two scales in my bathroom for goodness sake. If that isn't obsession I don't know what is.

When I first started at Heart and Wellness I have to admit it was really hard. The exercising and group sessions were the easy part it was seeing people who have had the bypass lose twice as much weight as I had. I would often go home feeling defeated. It's a fact that lapbanders lose weight at a much slower pace. All of the research I did support that so it wasn't a total shock when I saw it happening first hand. Of course I was happy for the bypassers and, I'm embarrassed to admit, probably a little jealous. My weightloss average is 1-2 pounds a week and in the beginning it felt like I was never going to lose weight. I'm the type of person who needs instant results in order to feel successful.

So, here I am 22 weeks after my surgery and I have lost 42 pounds. Initially I thought I would have lost over 50 pounds by this point but I have realized that wasn't a realistic expectation. I am so proud of myself for having the courage to take this step in the first place and although it is has been a gradual and challenging process, I feel amazing! I have so much more energy and my self confidence has gone through the roof. I have a physical in a few weeks and I can't wait to see how much my health has improved.

If you were to ask me today if the number on the scale still matters I would honestly say "not so much". I have a new number that I'm focused on and that's the number of years I have added to my life by taking this step. I want to be here when my son graduates from high school. I want to dance with him at his wedding and hold my first grandchild. I feel like I have a second chance at life and I'm going to enjoy every precious moment.....

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day has always been very emotional for me. It's hard to explain but I'll do my best. I have a beautiful 13 year old son whom I love more than anything. He keeps me grounded and reminds me to enjoy and appreciate the smaller things in life. This is what makes Mother's Day special for me. On the other side, I have my mother. My mother is mentally ill and currently resides in a local nursing home.

I come from a large family of nine children, 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My mother had all of us by the time she was 30! Can you even begin to imagine that, 9 kids by the age of 30? Anyway, my father was an alcoholic and often left my mother for days on end. Unfortunately my mother had a nervous breakdown and the state came in and separated my family. I was three at the time. Over the years my mother was in and out of my life. My twin sister and I lived with our aunt and uncle (totally dysfunctional!!!) during our childhood and my mother would come to visit when she was well enough. She always slept in my bed with me. I would cry and beg her not to leave but unfortunately, she always did. The next day after she left I would go around the house touching everything she last touch in an effort to feel connected to her, it was very sad. This continued until I was about 13. It was Mother's Day and my oldest brother planned a nice lunch out for my mother, brothers and sisters. It was wonderful! We didn't get together as a family often so when we did it was magical (at least it was in my mind). During lunch mom told us about her new boyfriend Lenny. She was living with him and was very happy. I remember how beautiful she looked and how much she smiled. I wanted that day to last forever! After lunch, my brother dropped her off close to her new apartment. She said she would see us again soon and I couldn't be happier!

Months passed and my mother didn't come to see me or anyone else in my family. Whenever I was out, I would look for her but she never showed up. The months turned into years and before I knew it I was a senior in high school. It was a few days before graduation when I got the call, someone found my mother! I couldn't believe it, my mother was okay. The next morning instead of going to school, I hopped on the bus and went to see her in the hospital. I walked into her room and saw this fragile little woman lying on the bed. I thought I was in the wrong room but when she said my name, I knew it was her. I went over to her and held her hand. I told her I loved her and promised that I would never let her get lost again.

After a few days in the hospital and with the proper medication my mother began to tell me about the last five years of her life. Lenny, the boyfriend that made her so happy, kept her locked in an apartment. He locked it from the outside so she couldn't leave. There wasn't a phone and there was no way for her to go out. When her social security check would come, he made her sign it and then he cashed the check taking all of her money. Apparently one night Lenny forgot to lock the door when he left. It was by the grace of god that my mother figured out the door was unlocked and she left. Unfortunately my mother hadn't been on her medication for quite some time so she was disoriented and confused. The police picked her up in the middle of the night walking the streets in a nightgown and brought her to the hospital.

For whatever reason, no one else in my family stepped to the plate to help my mother at this point. I don't know if there were upset about her being gone or what the deal was but that wasn't going to stop me. I gave up going to college to help my mother get the care she needed.

Since I was 18 (18 years ago) , I have been the only one in my family involved in my mother's life on a daily basis. My brother's (only two of them) and my twin sister have seen her on rare occasions but I have been the one who has always been there fighting for what she needs. After a brief stay in a state hospital I was able to get my mother into a residential group home with other people with similar mental illness. She thrived for many year until a setback about a year ago that landed her in a nursing home.

I continue to see my mother on a daily basis. She has aged quite a bit since being in the nursing home but still has the spunk that helped her overcome so many challenges in her life. When I visited her today, she had a sadness about her that I haven't seen in a very long time. When I asked her what she was thinking about she apologized and said she was sorry. I didn't know what she was apologizing for so I probed a little further. She said she was sorry for not being a good mother to me and my brothers and sisters. She was sorry for the horrible childhoods we all suffered. It took me a second to respond because I had a huge lump in my throat and the tears were creeping up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and I told her that I love her and that I have always loved her. I don't blame her for not being there for me and I'm so grateful to have her in my life now. I couldn't say anything else at that moment and so we just sat in silence for a few minutes before I had to go.

On the way home I sat quietly in the car with Larry. He asked me if I was okay and I said that I was. I then try to explain what I was feeling. My whole life I wanted a mother that I could take out for lunch on Mother's day or who I could ask for advice when I was having a hard time. I wanted a mother I could be proud of and not have to apologize for because of her lack of social skills and her appearance. I always felt guilty for feeling this way, I just wanted a "normal" mother.

Something changed for me today. After all of these years of wishing and hoping, I discovered that I do in fact have an amazing mother. A mother I should be very proud of! She has been through more than any person should ever have to experience in a lifetime yet she rarely complains. Through fighting for her, I have learned to advocate for myself. I have learned to stand on my own two feet and fight for what I believe in. My mother is many things to me but today she became my hero........

Monday Night Support Groups and Such........

Once a month there are two weightloss support groups. The first one is for patients who are 8 months (I think it's 8) post-op and the other is for pre-op and post-op for WLS. Before surgery you are required to attend at least 2 meetings to meet part of the pre-op requirements. I love going to the support groups and continue to go even though my surgery was 4 months ago. It's a great opportunity to hear about everyone's progress as well as meet new people who are in the beginning stages of Weightloss surgery. Pat is the coordinator and is great!!! She tells it like it is and is very open and honest about her own experiences. Annie is also another amazing woman. She works with Dr. Buckley and Dr. Kastrinakis and is also very honest about her experiences with gastric bypass.

It seems like there are people who don't quite get the importance of the 12 week follow up program at Heart and Wellness. This program was one of the main reasons I chose to have my surgery at NSMC. My primary care physician is affiliated with another hospital and when I discussed surgery with her, she strongly recommended the other hospital. When I explained all of the support that is available at NSMC as well as the 12 week program she totally agreed with my decision. The 12 weeks is not optional, it's required and is a necessity. The program is not just about exercise. We exercise for about 30 - 40 minutes, practice relaxation, and have group sessions that include anything from nutrition to stress reduction and long term success. This is a great opportunity to get on the right track right from the beginning. We're so lucky to have this program available to us!

Choosing to have weightloss surgery is just the beginning of a very long and challenging journey. It is not a quick fix and requires strength that comes from deep within your soul. I'm incredibly happy with my decision even though I continue to struggle with the emotional part of my new life. I take advantage of all of the support that is available and am learning how to adjust to a new way of living.