Jennifer's Adventure

small changes....

2011-05-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I last checked in. I have had a rough few months with my mother being ill and most recently my father in-law. It has been stressful to say the least. As for me, well I'm doing okay. My weightloss has been extremely slow but my body has really changed and my clothes are definitely getting very loose. When I see people that I haven't seen since surgery they say that I've lost a "ton" of weight. It's weird because I really haven't lost that much but as I said I sure look like I have.

Anyway, I am adjusting very well to life after gastric bypass. Sometimes I don't feel like I had the surgery at all. I mean I do eat a lot less but I tolerate most foods without issues. I even had some steak over the weekend and it was awesome!! When I had the band I struggled with most foods especially chicken. I don't think I dump but I think I've come close a few times so I am careful with my sugar intake just in case.

My biggest problem is eating enough protein. I have been so consumed with my mother being ill that I have kind of neglected myself. I am working on it but it hasn't been easy.

So that about sums up my life these days. I will write and post more photos soon!! I hope you are all happy and healthy!!!

Jenn

still here....

2011-03-01T15:55:00.001-08:00

I'm still hanging in there these days but my life has been incredibly hectic so I haven't been able to update for quite some time. I think I'm doing okay in the weightloss department. I stopped weighing myself because I was becoming a little obsessive. I think I'm down about 35 pounds. I have gone from a size 18-20 to a small 16, large 14. People that I haven't seen since before my revision have told me that I look great. I think I look better but not great. I'm not feeling so great but I don't think it has anything to do with my surgery, just life.

I have to admit that this was the best thing I could've done for myself. The "thing", I'm referring to is the revision. I am enjoying food that I had to give up when I had the band, in small portions of course! I have been able to enjoy pasta, breads, even small amounts of steak. When I go out to eat with my husband, I no longer order my own dinner I just eat a little bit of what he's having. It has been a learning experience but overall I can't complain.

Unfortunately I must run but I promise to post again soon! I hope you are all healthy!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Tanning, good or bad???

2011-01-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

I am so tired of people telling me just how pale I am so I have decided to go for a few tannin sessions. Now, I'm not talking about tanning so much thatmy skin looks like leather, I mean just a nice healthy glow. Is that such a bad thing??? I understand the risks and the potential damage I could be causing my skin but I feel like I'm getting healthy in so many other ways, a little tanning can't be all that bad.

On another note, I have been doing pretty well since my surgery. I am trying so hard to not become obsessed with the scale but I have to admit I'm struggling a bit in that area. It's so weird that my weight seems to stay the same for about 2 weeks and then I'll have a 5 pound weightloss. I am happy with my progress so far and love the fact that my clothes are fitting me so much better. I have a closet full of smaller clothes that I have been holding onto for quite some time and love trying them on. I gave my sister two huge bags of clothes that I no longer fit into and am in the process of going through all of my old summer clothes. After such a struggle with the band, it's nice to see results. I am not saying this is easy but compared to what I went through with the band, it's a cake walk!!!

I hope you are all healthy and happy!!!

Jenn

Skinny??? Seriously????

2011-01-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

I've been called a lot of things in my life but skinny has never been one of them. Today, at my real estate office, three women that I haven't seen since surgery proceeded to tell me how "skinny" I am. I find this commical because 1st of all I'm far from skinny and second of all, I will never be skinny. I think people tend to over-react a little. I just recently got under 200 pounds, I would say that's a long way from skinny but I know that my weightloss is starting to show. Noone from my office knows I had surgery so when they asked me what I've been doing I just told them I was watching what I was eating and exercising.

I am feeling so much better these days and I can honestly say that there's a big difference between the lapband and the bypass. Now, I am not saying that the band isn't a great tool for some, but in the three years I had it I was barely able to eat and enjoy food. Since my revision I am enjoying food that I haven't had in years. The other day I had 1/2 of a wrap and it didn't get stuck. I've been able to most anything with out any issues. I am also surprised at how little I eat yet I feel satisfied. I am finding myself getting hungry more often but I'm still eating very small portions. This is such a learning experience as well but I do think that having the band before helped prepare me for this new journey, does that make sense???

Well, off I go. I hope you are all well and your new year is off to a healthy start!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

A Christmas Miracle.....

2010-12-25T18:03:00.000-08:00

The past two weeks have been the most difficult of my life. Not because of my surgery but because my mom got very ill and it was touch and go for a bit. She resides in a nursing home and about two weeks ago I got a call from the home saying they were rushing her to the hospital because she wasn't feeling well. She was sent to Beverly and that worked out well because I live in Beverly. I beat the ambulance the hospital and nervously awaited her arrival. When she got to the hospital her oxygen level was 74. It should've been in the low to mid 90's. An x-ray revealed severe pneumonia in her left lung and she was quickly admitted.

She was put on a strong course of antibiotics and we thought she was going to get better. Well, a few days passed and she wasn't getting better so her doctor decided to send her for a CAT scan. The scan showed fluid around her heart and a mass in her lung. The doctor said that he wanted to run tests to rule out lung cancer! When I got this news my world fell apart around me. This was on a Friday and they weren't going to be able to do any other tests until Monday. I cried my heart out and then pulled myself together to call my family. It's amazing how strong we become when needed. Anyway, to make a long story short, they did a series of tests this week and I'm happy to announce that my mother is cancer free!!!! She was actually well enough to be sent back to the nursing home last night! I am so relieved and grateful that I was able to spend time with her during this whole ordeal. Most people get a phone call and by the time they get to the hospital it's already too late!

So, I am doing okay now. I haven't exercised much over the past two weeks since I've been spending 12 hours a day at the hospital with mom. I did take the stairs (she was on the 5th floor) instead of the elevator. This was actually a great stress release for me. I also brought my IPOD and when mom was sleeping I would go up and down the stairs a few times just to keep myself sane! I haven't weighed myself recently but tonight I overheard my father in-law telling my husband that I've lost a lot of weight and I'm getting thin! Ha, I'm far from thin but it made me feel pretty damn good!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and got to spend it with the ones you love. Christmas is so not about the gifts, it's about having the chance to spend time with the people you love.

Good Night,
Jenn

getting back to normal....

2010-12-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my first day back at my teaching job and overall it went well. I missed the kids and parents very much and they were all so happy to see me. I decided to cut my days down to three days a week instead of five so I can focus on real estate as well. My day was pretty good. Everyone mentioned that I looked like I lost weight. Only one of my coworkers knows that I had this surgery so we just told everyone that we've been going to weight watchers. It's nice having a friend that knows my situation and that I can trust! So, I was exhausted when I got home and slept like a baby!

I recently advanced to the next stage of food and couldn't be happier about it. I saw Malinda at Heart and Wellness on Tuesday and she said I'm doing well. I told her I was dying for a salad and she gave me the go ahead to move on to solids! It's amazing at how little I eat before feeling full, I mean really, stuffed to the rim, full!!! I went grocery shopping and bought a bunch of healthy, nutritious food. I brought everything I needed to work yesterday and did my best to stay on a routine. One of my coworkers offered me a piece of fudge and I happily declined. It felt great and reminds me that I'm so capable of being successful!!

My next big step is to start regular exercise! This has always been a challenge for me. My co-worker/friend wants me to take a belly dancing class with her. It sounds like a lot of fun so I think I'm going to sign up this week.

Well, that's all for now. Hope you are all healthy and happy...

Warm regards,
Jenn

To tell or not to tell????

2010-11-23T06:07:00.000-08:00

So I went to last night's support group and it was pretty interesting. The first group at 6:00 is for people who are at least 8 months post-op and the second group is for pre-op and recent post-ops. During the first meeting we were talking about Thanksgiving so I asked for people's advice about what to eat and how to not make a big deal about it as I will be having dinner at my brother's house. One woman asked me if my family knows that I've had surgery and I told her just my sister. She went to say that I should just tell everyone and put it out there, that's what she did. I told her that it's a personal decision and for me I just don't feel the need to advertise to my family and others that I've had surgery. I don't want to answer 100 questions about the surgery and I also don't need anyone else's unrealistic expectations as to how much weight I should be losing. I give this woman a lot of credit for being so open but it's just not where I am right now.

When your time comes, if it hasn't already, really think about who you want to share this information with. Some of you may decide to tell all of your family, friends, and co-workers, and some of you may do as I have and just share it with a very few close people in your life. There is no right or wrong way here, just what makes you feel comfortable!

Have a healthy day!!!
Jenn

two weeks later....

2010-11-20T09:45:00.001-08:00

So it has been a little over two weeks since my surgery and overall I'm doing okay. The past few weeks haven't been easy but I feel better every day. I will update about my surgery soon, just don't have the energy to get into the details now.

I have many emotions these days and must admit that one of them has been regret. After my surgery I just went through this period of major regret for having done this. I can't quite explain why but it was really overwhelming. The strange thing is that this wasn't my first surgery, it was my third and I thought I would just be so happy to finally be done with all of the issues I was having. With each day the regret seems to lessen as I adjust my new life as a gastric bypass patient.

Not all is bad though and I don't want to come across as negative. I've always been honest in my posts because I feel it's important for people to hear the good and the bad about surgery. I'm in a unique position because I have had lapband and bypass so I can share my experiences. It has only been two weeks but I can honestly tell you that these two surgeries are quite different. With the band I had "stuck" issues right from the start. Sometimes things such as yogurt would get stuck and cause me to vomit. Now, I'm on a very restricted diet still but I can eat yogurt without any issues, it goes right down. The downside for me though, is that food kind of tastes weird to me right now. Milk especially has taken on a strange taste. I'm hoping this will change as I really do enjoy a cold glass of milk even now and again. I see Malinda the nutritionist on the 30th and I'm really looking forward to advancing my diet.

As for weightloss, well, I'm not going to post my loss as of yet, but I will say I have lost in the double digits and my clothes are starting to get pretty loose. As with my previous surgeries, I am working really hard not to get caught up with the number on the scale. It has always been important for me to be healthy and I don't want to have an unhealthy obsession with my weightloss. I am planning to start going to the gym tomorrow and getting on the treadmill. I am still pretty exhausted these days so I will start slow and with time will build up my stamina. I can't wait to feel like me again, only better!

Anyway, thanks for the continued support! I am looking forward to going to Monday night's support group and hope to see some of you there!!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Reality check....

2010-10-31T13:33:00.000-07:00

In just a few days I will be having my revision surgery from lapband to RYN (gastric bypass). Since this will be my third WLS, I figure I was prepared and ready to go. Well, Friday was my pre-op testing. Nothing out of the ordinary, blood tests, urine sample, ect... I think the reality of how just how different this surgery is going to be hit me like a ton of bricks! The woman who took my blood, who, by the way, is such a sweetheart, was talking to me about my blood type. This is in case I should happen to need a blood transfusion during surgery. I don't remember this being a concern with my two lapband surgeries. It was just a reminder of how serious this is and that the risks do exist. Now, of course I understand there are risks with every surgery but I guess it just made me think a little bit.

Sooo, I have done my best to prepare for post-op. I went shopping and picked up tons of clear broth, protein drinks, sugar free popsicles, and whatever else was on my list. I'm still not completely sure of what vitamins I will need post-op so I will call Dr. B's office tomorrow morning and talk to Annie to see what is recommended. I was told that I will be coming home with the drain. At first this kind of grossed me out. I don't know why but the thought of something hanging out of my body with fluids icks me out. However, I understand that this is a necessity so I will just roll with it. It will stay in until my post-op appointment with Dr. B a week after my surgery.

Well, I will check in after my surgery with an update. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am so glad that Dr. B is performing this surgery as well. It looks like I will be his first surgery of the day at 8:00 on Wednesday morning. he told me that recovery is much different than the band and I will be pretty sore and exhausted after. I have taken about 3-4 weeks off from my teaching job and I can do real estate from my home office. I am just so ready to be on the other side of this!

Thanks again to the emails and warm wishes, it means so much to have so much support!!!

Happy Halloween!!!!
Jenn

Let the countdown begin....

2010-10-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

My surgery is scheduled for three weeks from tomorrow. It will be here before I know it. I have an appointment scheduled with Dr. B next week to go over all of the details. Funny thing is I thought that appointment was today so I rushed all the way over to his office only to have the woman at registration tell me it's next week. She was really nice about it and offered to call down to see if they could fit me in since I was already there. I told her not to worry about it, that I would come back next week when I'm suppose to.

I have been feeling pretty positive about my surgery. I am a little bit nervous as I know that the complications are much more significant than with the band but I'm not overly worried. I feel really prepared and so ready to move on. I finally told my boss at work that I will be having surgery on Nov. 3. I didn't tell her that it was a revision to a bypass, just that I had a hernia that needed to be repaired. I have only told one co-worker about the surgery because I trust her and she has been very understanding and non-judgemental. My boss is great but I don't need someone elses expectations put on me. My sister, husband, my son's stepmom (she's one of my best friends), and a few very close friends are the only people I have shared this with. I am so fortunate to have such a nice group of supportive people in my life. I honestly don't think I could do this without their support and unconditional love!!!

Next Wednesday I will begin my two week liquid diet. I expect this to be a little be difficult but I know I can get through it! As it stands now, my band is so sensitive that I basically stick with soft, mushy foods or liquids anyway! I am going grocery shopping this weekend to stock up on all of my supplies so I will prepared and ready to go next week.

Off I go for a busy afternoon! I will check in again before my surgery. I hope you are all healthy and happy!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Insurance Approval....

2010-09-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I got a letter from my insurance company. They approved my revision over to a bypass! I was a little bit surprised because I just recently switched over to a new health insurance so I wasn't sure if they would approve me. I really think Annie does a great job when she writes the medically necessity letter!!

So, my actual surgery will take place on Nov. 3rd. It could've taken place sooner but I have a few events going on at my son's school that I want to attend so I asked Annie if we could schedule my surgery a little bit later. I will be doing the 2 week liquid diet again followed by the 12 week follow-up program at Heart and Wellness. The first time I did the liquid diet, almost three years ago for my lapband surgery, I was absolutely miserable!!!! It was quite a challenge especially because it was two weeks before Christmas. This time I am so ready and I know what to expect. I don't expect it to be easy but anything is better than what I'm going through now with my band. I am excited about the revision surgery but I am realistic enough to know that it comes with its problems and challenges. I am happy to be having the surgery with Dr. Benedetto because I feel like I have built a level of trust with him and I know I will be in good hands. Honestly, I feel that it's so important to feel comfortable with your surgeon whatever the surgery may be!

Well, I'm sure I will have my good and bad moments leading up to my next surgery but I know this is the right choice for me. I don't regret any of my decisions thus far and have learned so much about me along the way!!! I will write with updates soon!! Thank you to those of you who send me emails of well wishes. I also enjoy hearing from people who have either had surgery or are thinking about having surgery. I am just happy to share my story, the good and the bad!!

Stay healthy!
Jenn

Surgery date...

2010-08-31T12:56:00.001-07:00

I got a call from Annie yesterday with a date for a revision surgery. It's tentative for October 13th. She is just waiting for insurance approval. I am cautiously optimistic that my insurance will approve the revision. I just hate the waiting part of all of this. I haven't told anyone other than my husband, sister, a few close friends about the possibility of this surgery. I don't think people will have anything negative to say but I just feel like this is something I don't want to share, does that make sense??

So during all of this my sister, she's my twin, is now considering a bypass as well. She has always struggled with her weight as well, I mean we did go through the same trauma growing up. She is going to the information session on September 29th to get the details. The program director sent out her packet of info. that she will have to bring with her on the 29th. If you haven't gone through the process of filling out the paper work, be prepared because it's a lot and is very involved. I did mine over a course of a few days. It really put so much in perspective though. Anyway, my sister has witnessed all of the struggles I have had and knows that any weightloss surgery is going to be a challenge but she's ready. I have strongly recommeded and encouraged her to see Dr. B because of the experiences I have had with him. She said she wouldn't consider anyone else because she knows all that I have been through and the amazing support he has offered. I am excited for her as I know her quality of life will improved immensely.

Now I wait to hear about my insurance approval. I am doing my best to be patient because there's really nothing I can do about it.

Warm and healthy wishes to you all,
Jenn

Hanging in there...

2010-08-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sooo, a lot has happened since my last post. I had an appointment with Dr. B about two weeks ago to discuss a revision over to a bypass. I have really given this a lot of thought and I honestly believe that the band is just not for me. I know this probably sounds crazy since I have had my band for almost three years. Well I actually had my first band until this past February when Dr. B discovered that it was too small so we went for a larger band but, in total, December 26th will be three years. I have really given this my all and I'm exhausted. I have very little in my large band now and I can't go any higher because I am too tight and won't be able to keep anything down. The problem is, I am not losing any weight. I could understand if I was eating things I shouldn't be but I am really not.

Dr. B was really understanding and supportive of my decision. He knows that I have worked really hard and I have truely given it all that I've got. At this point it's up to my "new" insurance company to decide if they will cover the revision. It makes me sick that total strangers will decide if I "qualify" for a surgery that I need. Although the band has not worked well for me I still know that I won't be successful on my own. Even with all of the changes I have made, this is a battle I cannot fight without the surgery.

I have only told a few people about this decision because I just don't want to justify this surgery to anyone. This is my choice, a choice that I made for me, period!! I did have a close friend ask me if I would recommend the band to others. Here's my thought on that: I think any weightloss surgery needs to be researched fully and chosen for the right reasons. Just because the band hasn't quite worked for me doesn't mean it's not the right tool for someone else. I know that all surgeries have their pros and cons. I would just say that this is a lifetime committment and if you're not ready to take all of the stepss necessary and you want to bitch and moan about all of the requirements pre-op, then you're clearly not ready for any surgery.

I will update when I hear back from my insurance company. In my heart I know that if it's meant to be it will happen and if not, well, I'm just going to have to live with it and move on.

Jenn

Relief at last....

2010-07-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

I saw Dr. B last Thursday and had 2cc's removed. I instantly felt better. It feels good to be able to eat again. I have been really good about eating the right foods and not eating a bunch of crap. I would be lying if I said I'm not tempted but I know it's just not worth it. My friend Rhonda introduced me to a new greek yogurt called Chobani (I think that's how you spell it). It has 14 grams of protein and overall it tastes pretty good. I'm not too crazy about the texture but it's a great source of protein so I will suck it up and just eat it.

Lately I have been really questioning this whole lapband thing. On one hand, I feel like I have made some major changes in my life and I have come to terms with my food issues but on the other hand, this is just not what I had expected. I am almost three years out and still seem to have a hard time. Dr. B said that maybe the band is just not for me! What if he's right???? Two lapband surgeries and maybe the band and I are not compatable??? The thought if this makes me sick, I mean really sick to my stomach. How could this happen??? Honestly, this could happen to anyone. It just might be that the band is not the right tool for me. With my first band I did okay in the beginning and then it kind of went down hill from there. I really thought the new band would be so much different and maybe with time it will be. Right now, though, I'm feeling slightly defeated and depressed. My weightloss is at a crawl. I wouldn't be so stressed about my weightloss if I was eating things I shouldn't be but that's not the case at all. In fact, up until last week, I was barely keeping any food down. One would think that the weight would just fall off but that's not the case either. My body goes into starvation mode and this becomes an unfortunate trend. I'm so over all of this and just want it to get a little bit easier, is that too much to ask???

So, what do I do now?? Well, I have come too far to let all of this get me down or hold me back. I just have to pick myself up and keep on moving forward. I am really enjoying the exercising that I have incoporated into my life. I feel like I have more energy and really don't get winded like I use to. Now that I can eat, I am hopefull that the combination of exercise and a healthy diet will be just what I need to kick-start my weightloss. In the meantime, it will be just one day at a time for me because that's about all I can manage right now!!

Helthy wishes to you all,
Jenn

having a hard time...

2010-07-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty rough for me lately. I have been throwing up and getting stuck almost everyday. The thing is I am not abusing my band by eating things that I shouldn't be. It sometimes happens after I eat yogurt or mashed potatos. I need to be unfilled but my health insurance was cancelled because my husband forget to pay it. It's a really long story but until I get it reactivated I'm literally stuck in this miserable situation. These are the times when I really feel like I made a mistake having this surgery in the first place. In reality, I know I made the right decision but I'm just feeling so miserable lately. The only time I feel like I can keep down food is late afternoon or evening and that's even tricky for me! I didn't go to any of the bbq's I was invited to this weekend because I'm afraid to eat. I have started drinking protein shakes because my body needs the nutrients. My weightloss has stalled yet again because I'm not taking in enough calories so it stores the little bit I do get in.

I know this is temporary but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to overeat, I just want to be able to eat something, anything, and actually keep it down. I will update soon. I hope you all had a happy and healthy fourth!!!

Jenn

Is this really the answer???

2010-06-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

So, if you have read my blog you know that exercise has always been an obstacle since the very beginning! The sad thing is that since I work part-time at the Y I have a free membership. I started at the Y in November and I'm just starting to use my membership. I added Larry to my membership two weeks ago for a really cheap. He has motivated me to start going to the gym and I have to admit, I'm feeling great!!! I know this is a shock considering I have made many attempts at exercising and have failed miserably. I think it's different this time because I have someone to go with. Larry has been very motivating! I also have a few co-workers who have started taking Zumba classes. I tried it a few months ago and never really stuck with it. Now, however, I am going to two classes a week and I'm loving it!!! I work my butt off and sweat like a man but after the class is over I feel like I've accomplished so much.

My weightloss is also starting to kick in again!!! I have always known that the only way I was going to be truely successful with losing weight was incorporating exercise. It's like something has clicked and I'm finally doing what I should've been doing from the very start. I will be attending a wedding in the fall and hosting a baby shower in the fall as well. I have created a small goal for myself. I'm not going to put a number on how much weight I want to lose by then but I want to be at least one size smaller so I can buy and wear a nice dress for both events. This is an achievable goal and doesn't set me up for failure. I feel like saying that I want to lose 30 pounds by fall sets me up and gets me too focused on the number!

Anyway, that's all for now! Hope you are all healthy and happy!!!
Warmly,
Jenn

Finally got a fill.....

2010-05-22T18:29:00.001-07:00

I got a fill on Thursday morning. Dr. B and I talked about it and we agreed on 2cc's. I told him that I had very little restriction and apparently the scale moved up a few pounds so it made sense to go for a good fill. I drank water at the office, which they have everyone with a band do before leaving, and I felt fine. While I was driving home though I began to feel stuck. At first I shrugged it off thinking it was nothing and I went on my way. By the time I got home I could barely make it to the bathroom to throw-up. It went down hill from there. At first I thought it would pass but deep down I knew it wouldn't because I had been through the same scenerio so many times before with my old band. By 3:00 I was miserable so I called the office and told them what was going on. Unfortunately Dr. B had gone but I was able to see Dr. Buckley. He took out 1cc and I immediately felt better. I drank my water with ease and went happily on my way.

I'm so glad that I called the office and went in right away instead of ignoring it like I did in the past. With my old band I would go for weeks before going in to the office for an unfill. This time around I'm not taking any chances, it's just not worth it! So, as I mentioned above, the scale moved up a few pounds. I don't know exactly how much because I closed my eyes when I got on the scale. When Dr. B came in to see me he asked me how I was doing. I told him that the past month has been very stressful for me. He replied that he figured something was going on because I had gained a few pounds. At first I thought I might get a little lecture but that's not what happened. He asked me if everything was going okay and when I told him it would take all day to tell him what was going on he said he had time to listen. I have to tell you that this made me feel so much better. I feel like he really cares about his patients and is invested in our care. I took a few minutes to explain where my stress is coming from and how it has been affected me. I was honest about not exercising and that although I'm not binging like I use to, I'm certainly eating more that before. He was very understanding and encouraging. I left the office feeling much more motivated.

I understand that my experiences may to similar to some and differant from others. I am honest with what I write and I do my best to keep it real. I do not work for the hospital nor do I have any friends or relatives who do so there is nothing to gain from me speaking positively about my experiences. This journey has not been an easy one for me by any means but it has been such a learning experience. I have grown so much as a person and have learned so much about who I am and why I have had so many issues with food. As challenging as it has been, I wouldn't change it because I have discovered a life that doesn't revolve around food. It's a great place to be! I don't expect the road ahead to be an easy one but I'm ready to face any challenge that stands before me!

Good night all,
Jenn

hanging in there....

2010-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Some days are better than others but don't we all experience that? I keep thinking I'm going to wake up one day and all of this is just going to be easy. No more thinking about what I'm going to eat or planning my meals in advance, no worrying about food getting stuck or my stomach growling so loud that people ask me if I'm okay.The reality is I chose this, I made this decision so I have to stop complaining and suck it up,period!!!

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little hard on myself here. It has gotten easier over time so I really can't complain. Lately I have been feeling kind of down and when that happens I feel ovrwhelmed by everything in my life. I think this is something that happens to a lot of people. I use to turn to food during these moments, it always had a way of bringing me comfort even if it was only temporary. Now that I have developed a healthy relationship with food I have to deal with my feelings and that's not always easy. But, I'm okay and I know this will pass.

I was suppose to have a fill a few weeks ago but I had a flat tire and had to reschedule. Dr. B is out for a few weeks so I will have a fill when he returns. I'm still feeling hungry most of the time and I still have to be dilligent not to overeat! I am doing okay for the most part. I did get stuck a few times and that was a good reminder to slow down and chew my food. Most times I don't feel like I have the band at all but then I think about the amount of food I use to eat and how much I can eat now and I know there's a huge difference. Even without having restriction, I can only manage small amounts of food at any given time. It's funny though because even with small amounts of food I'm afraid it's too much. Does that make any sense???

Anyway, I haven't been on the scale since my last fill over a month ago so I have no idea if I've lost any more weight. I did have someone I haven't seen in a few months ask me if I have lost weight because she said she could see a difference. My clothes are fitting pretty much the way they were right before my recent surgery. I'm really trying so hard not to get caught up with my weightloss right now. I'm focused on eating right and being active. I know that if I weigh myself and there isn't a loss I'm going to be really hard on myself and it's just not worth punishing myself. I know my weightloss will continue once I have the right restriction. Until then, as long as I'm not gaining I'm happy!!!

Good night all!
Jenn

Hungry...

2010-04-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am hungry all of the time lately!!!! I was positive that my first fill would be all that I needed. Wrong, I have very little restriction and am hungry all of the time. My next fill is next week and I honestly can't wait!

Dr. B told me it might take several fills to get to the right restriction. This is just so different from the first time around with my old band. With the smaller band I was too restricted at times. Now I feel like I could eat everything in sight and not have a problem. Fortunately I have been pretty good about my food choices and I stop eating when I know I've had enough but I would be lying if I said it has been easy. In fact, it has been much harder than I expected. Each day is a challenge for me. I'm optimistic that things will get better once I get another fill. Until then, I'm just going to take it one day at a time and not stress myself out.

I hope you are all well. I will post again soon, hopefully when I'm much better spirits!

Good Night!
Jenn

Surviving...

2010-04-01T16:39:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been incredibly stressful to say the least. Working two jobs is kicking my butt and I seem to have a constant headache. I think I am finally fully recovered from my surgery. Overall I feel pretty good. My port area irritates me from time to time. It's almost like it's trying to remind me that it's there. I don't really feel the port unless I press down. I got my first fill last week. I was a little nervous because I didn't want to have any of the same issues that I had with my old band. To be honest, it doesn't feel like I've had a fill at all. I still have very little restriction and seem to be hungry pretty often. Dr. B said it might take a few fills to get to where I need to be. I'm okay with that, I would rather take this at a slow pace than rush and be over-filled. I will see him again in a few weeks for another fill.

Being stressed is challenging right now since I've always been an emotional eater. Without restriction in my band it's really easy to overeat. I have to be diligent in my food choices and make sure that I'm only eating what I should be. For the most part I'm doing okay with this but I have to be honest, I do have moments when I want to binge like the old days. The difference is I have more control now. I also don't keep foods in my house that are easy to binge on. I think that's half the battle. I also know what my triggers are so I try to find an alternative to deal with these feelings. My husband has been a great source of support for me. Without him, I know this would be even more difficult than it is right now. A support system is crutial for anyone who has had weightloss surgery. You might not think it's important but trust me, it really is. We all need someone there for us, someone who is supportive and understanding. Someone who can help you through the hard times and be there to enjoy the good times. It always makes me sad when I hear about people who go through this whole process alone. I'm not saying you can't do it on your own, I'm just saying there are times when it's nice to have someone to lean on.

I know I'm going to have my good days and my bad days, just like everyone else. I just have to take a step back to enjoy and appreciate all of the amazing things that life has to offer.

I wish you all a healthy and happy Easter!!

Warmly,
Jenn

First fill....

2010-03-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

My first fill will be on Thursday morning. So far I have had very little restriction since my surgery. I did get a little stuck with some chicken the other night but I recognized the signs so I stopped eating before it got worse.

Things have been going okay since surgery. I find that I'm pretty tired these days. I have started on another stage of foods so I can eat almost anything as long as it's the right consistency. I'm glad because I was getting tired of eating just soft foods. I think this has a lot to do with my energy level as well. I haven't weighed myself so I don't know how I'm doing with weightloss up to this point but I'm not going to stress or obsess about it. My clothes are feeling a little bit looser so I'll take that as an indication that things are going in the right direction. I will know how I'm doing at my appointment on Thursday.

I start the 12 week exercise program on Tuesday. I was suppose to go this morning but due to all of the rain, my basement had about 6"s of water. I did make an effort to walk to walk every day last week. I made it three out of five days. Not too bad. Now that the weather is hopefully changing for good I am planning to walk every day. I just feel so much better when I'm able to get outside to enjoy the fresh air.

Well, I'm off to start dinner! Hope you are all healthy and happy!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Before and After....

2010-03-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

The picture on the left is one of the only pictures I have of myself pre-op. The picture on the right is a recent photo. I can't believe how much my life has changed in two and 1/2 years!! I still have many obstacles to face and challenges to overcome but I'm ready. Bring it on!!!!!!

Follow -up...

2010-03-05T12:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my follow up appointment with Dr. B. He said everything looks great and I can start incorporating some exercise. If you have read any of my previous posts you know that exercise has always been my weakness. This time,however, something is differant. I am so much more motivated to get out and move. I learned with my previous experiences that in order to really achieve the results I'm looking for, I need to exercise. My friends and I are going to take the Zumba class at the local Y. I took one class pre-surgery and had so much fun. It's a exercise dance class with latin pop-dance music. I like to think I have a little rythym but I was a little nervous that I would be able to keep up. It didn't matter, there were all differant skill levels. My friend Sandy and I kept going the opposite direction and bumping into each other, we had the best time. If you can go to a class, I strongly encourage you to do so.

So, back to my appointment. I will have my first fill in three weeks. I can't wait because I currently have very little restriction. This is going to be a bit of a test for me to see of the past few years have really helped me develop healthy eating habits. I have to be honest, I'm starving all of the time lately and I was really tempted to hit the drive thru at Mc. Donald's. What the heck is wrong with me??? This is why I am so happy that I decided to have another band put in. Without it I think I would be headed back to the distructive eating that caused me to weigh in the 270's!!! Three weeks can't get here soon enough!!!

One last thing before I go! I am going back to my teaching job on Monday. It's about a 15 minute walk from my house. I am going to challenge myself and walk to work every day next week. I am also going to park much further from my destination (such as the mall or supermarket) and walk the extra distance. Lastly, I will be taking the stairs instead of the elevator. I'm convinced that making these small changes will make a big difference. I challenge you to also make an effort to walk to your destinations when you can or park a little further away in the parking lot. I think you'll be amazed over time, at how much more energy you have and how great you feel!

Enjoy this beautiful weekend and get outside to enjoy the fresh air!

All my best,
Jenn

Feeling motivated, but....

2010-03-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

So Im feeling pretty motivated these days and am looking forward to starting to incoporate some exercise into my routine. While walking at the Mall the other day I made my way over to Target and bought and IPOD touch. I did some research on line and they had the best deal. It was on sale for $185 and included a $15 gift card to Target. It was the best deal around!!

My title say feeling motivated, but.. Well here's the but, I haven't really had a bowel movement since returning home from the hospital last week. I'm not going to get graphic here but as you know I'm honest with what I experience and this is something I am dealing with. I am in a lot of discomfort and am bloated beyond belief. I tried taking stool softeners with very little success. UGH, this is very frustrating!!!! I did email Dr. B early this morning to find out if this was something normal after surgery or if I should be worried. I'm one of these people who have a very active imagination so you can imagine what I was thinking. Anyway, he emailed me back and said tht it was in fact normal to be constipated after surgery and gave my some suggestions. I have been following his recommendations and without getting into details, feel like relief is on its way!!!

Tomorrow is my follow up with Dr. B. I haven't been on the scale since before surgery and I'm not expecting any weightloss when I am weighed tomorrow. I'm perfectly fine with this as I know that this is normal. I have very realistic expectations this time around. I will also do the 12 week post-op program again at Heart and Wellness. I like the weekly weigh-ins and the accountablity. I also enjoy having the opportunity to meet new people.

I'll post an update after my post-op visit tomorrow.

Warm and healthy thoughts to you all,
Jenn

Slow recovery...

2010-02-28T15:57:00.000-08:00

It has been a few days since my last post, sorry for the delay. The recovery this time is a little tougher than the first time. I'm a little more uncomfortable and so exhausted. I went to the mall yesterday to do some walking, which is great to do after surgery, but I think I over did it a bit. I paid the price today!

So, my surgery went pretty much as expected. I arrived at the hospital on Monday morning as planned and by 10:15 I was being wheeled into surgery. Dr. Benedetto came to see me before surgery to discuss exactly what he was planning to do and to answer any questions I had. He told me that if my stomach was in rough condition the old band would come out and he would wait a few months before putting in the new, larger one. This made total sense to me, although I was really hoping to have it all done at once. Initially I woke up from surgery feeling very little pain. I was brought up to my room and greeted by my nurse. All of the nurses I had were awesome, of course I didn't expect anything less since I knew this from my last surgery. As the afternoon progressed my pain increased so my nurse gave me something to help ease my pain. A little while after dinner Dr. Benedetto came by to see me. He told me that he removed the old band and was able to put in my new band but there was a lot of scar tissue. He also said that my original band had slipped a little bit, probrably as a result from all of the vomitting. He then said that due to the fact that he removed so much scar tissue he expected me to be pretty enflamed and sore so it was possible I would be staying an extra night. This was fine with me. As much as I love sleeping in my own bed, I would much rather be where I could be taken care of.

The first night sucked!!! I couldn't get out of bed on my bed alone to pee and I had to pee alot because of the I'V fluids. The nurses were great and came to assist me every time I needed them too. I was pretty weak and dizzy too. By the time the morning came I was feeling a little bit better but still pretty weak and in pain. Dr. Benedetto's surgical resident cme by to see me to check on me. She was sooo nice and very pretty! She really took her time to explain everything to me and answered all of my questions. I told her I was still in a lot of pain and she said it looked like I would spend another night. The day was pretty mellow after that. My roommate had a very large family who came to visit a lot. They kind of adopted me and one of her daughters actually sat in my room and watch t.v with me for a few hours. My roommate was leaving later that day and I was anxious about who was going to replace her. My next roommate is a story for another time. Anyway. I slept on and off all day but still didn't get up to walk around. Dr. Benedetto came by to see me at 7:30. I couldn't believe it, it had been such a long day and here he was checking in on me. I honestly have to say that this is what sets NSMC apart from other hospitals. The doctors are really invested in their patients and really care. He said tht everything looked good and I should be all set to go home the next day. I thanked him for stopping by and sent him on his way.

The following morning I got out of bed and walked the halls. I was feeling better and was ready to go home. Dr. Benedetto's resident came by to see me before breakfast to check in. I told her I was feeling well enough to go home and she agreed but ultimately Dr. Benedetto would be the one to give the okay. He came by to see me after he finished his surgery and gave me the okay. By this time I couldn't wait to leave. Larry was with me and we were on our way.

Each day since surgery is better than the day before. I think the fact that the surgery was a little different than the first time has a lot to do with my recovery. I'm not pushing it and am really take things at a slow pace. I am not planning to return to work until March 8th. There's no way that one week is enough time to recover, not for me anyway. My boss, who is a very good friend of mine, completely understood and told me to take as much time as I need. My follow up appointment with Dr. Benedetto is on Thursday. I'm looking forward to putting all of this behind and taking the next steps.

Thank you for all of the nice emails I received!!! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or if I can help you in any way!

Good Night and Sweet Dreams!!!
Jenn

Home sweet home...

2010-02-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

Quick update: I ended up staying an extra day in the hospital to recover my revision surgery. All went well. I'm very tired and a little sore so I'm heading off to bed for a few. I will post with all of the details later. Thanks for all of the well wishes I received!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Today's the big day...

2010-02-22T03:51:00.000-08:00

In a few hours I will be having my revision surgery. I'm ready and just want to get it over with. I slept surprisingly well last night but I'm really thirsty this morning because I haven't been able to drink or eat since midnight.

In a strange coincidence my sister is also having surgery today. Her surgery is a hysterectomy and is much more invasive than mine. We are twins so this makes it a little weirder. I'm worried about her and don't like that she'll be having surgery when I can't be there to help or support her. I'll be in Salem and she'll be in Beverly. It's crazy!!!

So, my surgery is scheduled for 10:00 this morning. I need to be there by 8:30 to check in and such. I have my strict instructions of no lotion, deodorant, make-up, or nail polish. Good thing I didn't get a manicure the other day! I'm okay with the no make-up but the lotion and deodorant are killing me. I have the world's driest skin and always cover myself from top to bottom with lotion, every single day!!! The deodorant is the other item I never leave my house without putting on. I'm really self conscience about smell. I packed lotion and deodorant and will be putting both on as soon as I feel up to it after my surgery.

Well, time to go! I will post again soon with updates from my surgery. Good bye old band, hello new band!!!

Warm wishes,
Jenn

Pre-op testing....

2010-02-16T17:40:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is my pre-op testing for my surgery on Monday. For some reason I'm kind of nervous but I'm not sure why. I've already been through this and I know what to expect so I'm surprised that I'm feeling a little nervous and anxious. I know my feelings are completely normal, they're just a little unexpected.

I recently found out that my good friend Rhonda is also having her band replaced. We had surgery about 6 months apart, she was first. I actually met her on an on-line support group and discovered that she actually lives about 5 minutes from me. She was soooo helpful when I was going through surgery the first time. I must've asked her thousands of questions and she graciously answered each and every one of them. I'm sorry that she has to have surgery again but it's kind of reassuring having a friend to go through this with.

The pre-op stuff is pretty routine. Blood pressure, blood test, surgery history, weight and so on. The first time I had my surgery the day after Christmas so my pre-op appointment was a few days before Christmas. I remember feeling so excited and nervous. I was also starving because I was on the dreaded two week liquid diet. It amazing how much my life has changed and how much I have learned since then. I'm not the same person in many ways. I am much more confidant now and not so afraid to come out of my comfort zone. I have developed much healthier eating habits(when I can eat) and now recognize the triggers that set me off on a major binge. I still make mistakes from time to time with my food choices but I no longer let food control my life. I am so much more prepared for what lies ahead and I am ready for any challenges that come my way.

I hope to post one more time before my surgery if possible. If not, I will be back again some time soon. I am optimistic about my new adventure and look forward to taking the next steps in becoming a healthier and happier me!!!

Good Night and Warm Wishes,
Jenn

Surgery Date!!!

2010-02-05T08:18:00.000-08:00

"NA-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, good-bye"! This is the new theme song for my band! My revision surgery has been scheduled for Feb. 22nd and I can't wait to say goodbye to the band that has been making my life miserable!!! The funny thing is that I'm actually kind of excited about having this surgery. Two weeks ago I was kind of frustrated and disappointed but I have really had some time to think this all over. I'm looking at this as a second chance, a do-over. It feels as though I'm having surgery for the first time and since my band has never really worked the way it should, I'm looking forward to starting fresh.

I have shared this experience with a few of my friends and family members. One of my friends and I were talking about my revision surgery. She said she would be so mad if she was in my position. I asked her who she would be mad at and she couldn't answer me. It made me think a little, is there someone I should be angry with??? Who, my surgeon? It wasn't his fault this happened. Myself? I didn't do anything wrong. Anger has no place in any of this for me. I knew there were risks when I had surgery the first time. I didn't think anything would happen that would require another surgery but I did my research and I was well aware of the possibility. It's time to move on, plain and simple.

As I mentioned in an early post, Dr. K no longer performs bariatric surgery so Dr. Benedetto will be my surgeon this time around. I am very comfortable and confidant that my surgery will go as smoothly as the first time. At least I know what to expect. I already have my comfty clothes ready to go. I will go to the supermarket next week to pick up all of my post-op supplies and my heating pad will be ready for me when I get home. I will spend the night just as I did with my first surgery. The staff at the hospital were wonderful so I know I'll be in good hands. My pre-op visit will take place on the 17th and then it's full steam ahead!!! I'm so glad that I don't have to do the two week liquid diet because that wasn't easy and I wasn't a very nice person to be around.

Time to go, I wish you all a healthy and happy night!

Warmly,
Jenn

Holy Girl Scout Cookies.....

2010-02-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am an extreme person, always have been. I believe in community service and giving back and often volunteer to help others in need. I'm actively involved at my son's school and go above and beyond when I can. Why am I telling you this? Well, being the extreme person I am you can imagine what happened when my friend sent an email on Facebook that her daughter was selling girl scout cookies. Everyone quickly signed up to buy a box here, a box there, not me. I ordered 7 boxes!!! What the heck is wrong with me???? What am I going to do with 7 boxes of girl scout cookies???? At first I figured I would order 2, thin mints for me, and peanut butter sandwiches for Larry. I put the thin mints in little snack size bags in the freezer and when I'm craving a sweet treat, I just grab a little baggy with two cookies. No big deal. Something took over and I ordered lemon sandwiches, caramel delights, samoas, and god only knows what else. At over two years out from surgery you would think I know better right??? Well, I do know better because with the lapband, for some strange (and cruel) reason, junk food passed right through and doesn't get stuck. There is no dumping like you would get with the bypass so you always have to be careful with what you chose to eat. Bringing 7 boxes of girl scout cookies into my house is a recipe for diaster. I don't have cookies in my house because I know I would eat them. I couldn't call my friend and cancel my order because her daughter was so excited, apparently this was her biggest order. Instead I have made a plan. Thin mints and peanut butter cookies will be dropped at my house. The rest will be delivered to the local food pantry which hosts weekly lunches for homeless people. I figured they might enjoy having a special treat and I won't have the temptation in my house. It's a win, win for all!!!

Stay healthy, and stay away from girl scout cookies!!!
Warm regards,
Jenn

Seriously?!?!?!?!?!

2010-01-26T14:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have to rant a little bit here so be prepared for some really honest feelings. I have been going on to some of the weightloss support group sites lately to see what's going on with other people and to see how other people deal with issues because of their weightloss surgery. Honestly people, if you're going to "test" your band or your pouch, why did you bother having weightloss surgery??? I am so fed up with reading about people who ate 2 cups of food just to see if they could or pushing the limits of their bands by eating crap. These people are perfect examples of why weightloss surgery doesn't work if you don't change your mindset. Pat says it best, "the surgeons perform weightloss surgery, not labotomies". Amen Pat!!!!

Also, it amazes me that more pre-op patients don't ask questions at the weightloss support groups. You have the perfect opportunity to ask post-ops anything you want yet, most don't ask anything. I know not everyone is comfortable with asking questions in front of such a large group, I really do understand that, however, you're about to have a life-changing surgery, please take advantage of this incredible opportunity. When I had my surgery there was only one other person who also had lapband surgery at the meetings. Last night, there were five of us. Each of us willing and happy to share our experiences whether good or bad. Again, please take advantage of this opportunity!

Finally, preparing for surgery can be overwhelming and can cause a lot of anxiety. There are a lot of unknowns and what-ifs that you are faced with. My best piece of advice is to take the time to talk to your surgeon about the medical part. When I had my first pre-op visit with Dr. K I brought a list of questions. He took the time to answer each and every one of them. This is your opportunity and your life. The surgeons are happy to answer your questions, they want you to be as prepared as possible.

Well, I think that sums up my rant for tonight. I am not perfect but I have learned so much in the past two years. I am always happy to answer questions or to provide support to any one who wants it. Thanks for listening!!!

Warm regards,
Jenn

Update...

2010-01-22T19:01:00.000-08:00

I met with Dr. Benedetto earlier today to review the results of my endoscopy and to discuss my options. My band definitely has to be removed. I asked him if I would be a canidate for a revision over to a bypass and he really felt like I wouldn't be. I respect his honesty and although I was initially disappointed I have to agree. There's a reason why I had lapband surgery two years ago instead of a bypass. I am just a little nervous about having another band put in after having so many issues the first time around. The reality is I know I can't do this on my own. Without the band I will certainly regain all of the weight I have lost plus more.

The good news in all of this is that I don't have to go through all of the pre-op requirements like the first time. The best part of this is that after two years I have really come a long with my food issues so I am much more prepared for post-op.

I will get a surgery date next week and am looking forward to get this band removed. I am hopeful and optimistic that the larger band will be much better. I will keep you posted!

Have a healthy and happy weekend!

Warmly,
Jenn

Lapband revision....

2010-01-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

Alot has happened since my last post. I have been having a really hard time with band on and off since I first had surgery. My latest issues resulted in having an endoscopy. The endoscopy revealed that my band is too small. I will need surgery to have the smaller band removed and a larger band put in it's place. I am meeting with the surgeon on Friday to discuss the surgery and my options.

I'm having mixed feelings about this whole situation. On one hand I'm relieved to know what's going on with me and to know I'm not losing my mind. On the other hand, I can't believe I need another surgery. I really believe this is a fluke and something that just happened. I'm just not sure how I feel about another band. Again I will discuss this on Friday with the surgeon. Speaking of surgeons, it is my understanding that Dr. K is no longer performing weightloss surgery. He was my surgeon and I really liked him. However, I am now seeing Dr, Bennedetto and I think he's great as well. He's really nice and easy to talk to. It was an easy transition to go from Dr. K over to him. The new office is incredible as well. If you haven't seen it, you will be pleasantly surprised. No more tiny waiting room!!!

I will post an update after my appointment on Monday. This is just another example that complications do happens. Weightloss surgery is not the easy way out. Take care and best wishes!!!!

Jenn

The Dreaded Holiday Season....

2009-10-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Once again we're heading into the holiday season. I refer to it as "dreaded" of course because of the food and endless opportunities to stuff ourselves. The stores have been selling halloween candy since the beginning of September. I have been tempted on many occasions to buy a bag of reese's peanut butter cups.Crazy right? Not so much. Surgery has helped me with developing a healthier life style but old habits die hard. Surgery didn't take away my sweet tooth or my urge to eat things just because they're available. This is a work in progress and will be something I will have to work on for a very long time. Has it become easier? Sure it has, but it didn't happen over night. I don't think about food 24 hours a day anymore and I'm able to make better choices but I'm human and I make mistakes and poor choices every now and then. The difference is I don't let one mistake become two, or three. I don't allow one bad food choice to throw me off for the whole day. You know what I'm talking about. We're all guilty of starting the day off with the best of intentions and then having a screw up. Maybe it's a piece of candy, a donut, whatever. We then give ourselves permission to eat that way for the rest of the day promising to start over tomorrow. This is a mindset, one that doesn't change because of surgery. It is hard work but well worth it in the long run.

As Halloween and the other holidays approach I am trying to mentally prepare myself for how I'm going to handle the candy, desserts, and endless amounts of food that I will be exposed to. I refuse to deprive myself, however, I am making a huge effort to be prepared. Planning is huge after weightloss surgery, anyone who has had it will tell you. For Halloween I will purchase a small package of the candy I like and put it in the freezer. When I have the urge to have some chocolate it will be there waiting for me. The fact that it is frozen will make it last longer. I will eat turkey on Thanksgiving Day but I will pass on the stuffing. Extra veggies will fill me up too. If I have dessert, I always split it with my husband. This allows me to have some but keeps me from over doing it. The same for Christmas, moderation and healthy choices are key. If I'm worried about over eating I will have a small piece of fruit or cut up veggies about an hour before dinner. This usually keeps me satisfied and makes it easier not too overeat!

I wish you all a healthy and happy halloween.

Warm regards,
Jenn

I'm back!!!

2009-09-28T10:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that it has been such a long time since my last update. So much has happened in my life. First things first, my love/hate relationship continues with my band. One would think I would've mastered this by now but I haven't! I have 1cc in my band and that's where I will stay. I had a pretty decent summer with my band without needing to be unfilled. I still vomit at least 4 times a week because of something getting stuck but I can deal with that. My frustration lies with my slow weightloss. I have included walking into my life on a regular basis which has made a huge difference with how I feel but my weightloss continues to creep at an incredibly slow rate. I had a physical a few weeks ago and talked to my doctor about all of this. She asked me to keep a log of what I was eating and keep a total of my daily calories. I've never been good at keeping a food log but I knew this was a reason behind this. On the first day I had a total of 700 calories, the second day was around 600, the third was a little shy of 800 calories. I haven't had a single day above 850. I had another appointment with her the other day and she said this is why my weightloss is so slow, I'm not eating enough. This has been a problem for me for months now and it's so frustrating. I'm working on it but it hasn't been easy.

I know I have said this previously but if you take nothing else away from what I say, please take this seriously! This surgery is not easy and will not change your life over night. December will be two years since I had my surgery and I still face challenges. Don't get me wrong, I have come a very long way and really have developed a much healthier lifestyle, one that I wouldn't have been able to achieve on my own. Socially though, this has impacted my life in a much differant way. I no longer enjoy eating out because I either leave too much food on my plate which prompts the server to ask me a million times if something is wrong with my food or I can't decide what to eat for fear of something getting stuck. I have noticed some of my friends treating me differantly as well. One recently asked me how my weight I lost because she couldn't tell since I was sitting down.

Tonight I am going to the support group meeting. I haven't been in quite some time. I am looking forward to seeing some of my old friends as well as meeting some new people who are either considering this surgery or who are post-op. I think we all have so much to learn from each other. I promise I will write again soon!!!

Warm regards!!!
Jenn

Life without a fill.....

2009-04-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

It has been over a month since I had the fluid removed from my band and I'm struggling. I had an appointment for a fill but I rescheduled. My next appointment is on the 13th.

Even though my band is empty I still have some restriction just not alot. I find myself hungrier more often and I am able to eat more. Finding the balance has been a challenge. I have tempted to eat things that I shouldn't eat and can't eat when I have a fill. It comes down to choices and I'm having a hard time making the right ones.

On a positive note, my weight hasn't changed. I would love to see a loss but I'm happy that I haven't gained. I also just started walking 4 times a week with a friend I went to highschool with. My friend is very motivating and shows up on our walk days. I needed that kind of push. I don't like walking alone and always find an excuse to skip my walk. Now that I have someone who is committed and available to walk with me, it makes it a little easier. I won't lie though, I still have moments where I try to find an excuse not to go but I'm not the kind of person who walks away from a committment that I have made with someone else.

Next Sunday is Easter so I will have to be careful not over do it. My fill is the following day and I will be on liquids the day before. It's probably a good thing though, I won't have to worry about eating too much ham =) I wish you all a Happy Easter. Stay healthy!

Jenn

A few new photos...

2009-03-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have never been a fan of having my picture taken. Whenever I see a camera I usually go running in the opposite directiion. Last Saturday night Larry and I went out with friends. We had a great time. In fact, it was the first time since my surgery that I felt really confidant. I didn't spend hours looking for something to wear and I didn't stress over how my body looked. I didn't choose the table in the corner where noone would see me. None of this mattered. This night was about going out and having a good time. I feel like I have made so much progress over the past year. It hasn't been easy but I'm so glad that I had my surgery. I have learned so much about myself through all of this and have finally learned to love myself, on the inside and out.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Warmly,
Jenn

Questions about fills....

2009-03-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

I have recently been getting a lot of emails asking me if fills hurt so I have decided to answer that question here. I will also explain what some of the common terms relating to the band mean as well.

First of all, my experiences are obviously going to be differant from other people. We all relate to pain on differant levels. I had my first fill about 6 weeks after surgery. Dr. K is my surgeon and he's the one who fills/unfills me when needed. I was really nervous about my first fill because I didn't really know what to expect. With the band you have to be on liquids for at least 24 hours before a fill and 24 hours after a fill. Dr. K was very kind and sensed my anxiety when I went in for my first fill. He explained every thing that he was going to do, step by step. I held my breath as he began my fill. I felt a tiny little stick and then it was over. I was surprised at how easy and painless it was. Dr. K had me sip water and then sent me on my way with instructions. The few other times I had fills they were also pretty painless. I will say I could feel it a little more as I lost weight but nothing significant.

Unfills, for me, are little more uncomfortable. I'm not sure why but I think it's a little harder to remove the fluid than it is to add it. I'm going to ask Dr. K the next time I see him. Whatever the case, don't be afraid to ask questions if you're nervous. The surgeons will take the time to answers your questions and to ease your concerns.

Now, you may have heard terms such as PBing, sliming, and getting stuck. If you have a band already you may know what these terms mean. If not, I'll give you a brief description. PBing is short for productive burp. It happens after you eat something that may be a little stuck. It's your body's way of trying to move it along. In the beginning I PB'd alot. I don't at all anymore because I have learned a lot about how to eat and chew my food. Getting stuck is when you have food that you may not have chewed very well that is too big to pass through your band. This feeling is uncomfortable and sometimes causes you to vomit. My advice to you is to not take another bite of food when you feel pressure. You'll know what I mean when it happens. Also, don't try to drink anything because the fluid has nowhere to go. Think of it as a clogged sink. If the drain is clogged and you turn the water on, the water doesn't have anywhere to go so it comes back up into the sink. It's the same thing. Also, if you have been getting stuck a few times in one day, give your band a rest. Switch over to liquids for at least 24 hours so you won't irritate your pouch. Believe me, I have made that mistake and have paid for it. If you're unable to keep fluids down for 24 hours, call the surgeons office. This is so important. You're pouch is probably irritated and you may need an unfill. You also run the risk of getting dehydrated and that brings on problems that you don't need. Finally, sliming is what you body does when you have food stuck. You automatically start producing more saliva to move the food along. Sometimes this will pass and you'll feel better and other times this may cause you to vomit. The bottom line is to know when to stop eating. Pay attention to how you're feeling. As soon as you feel pressure it's a pretty good indication that you need to stop eating, even if you're dying for one more bite. It's usually that next bite that does it.

I hope I was helpful. As always, feel free to email me if you have any questions. I am always happy to share my experiences especially if it helps someone else..

Regards,
jenn

I need a fill....

2009-02-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

It has been a few weeks since I had my band emptied and I'm beginning to struggle. I have been doing well as far as food choices for the most part but I have been very tempted to eat things that I shouldn't. Last night I made Mac & Cheese for my son and his friend. With fluid in my band I can't eat it because it will get stuck but without it I could eat it. I ate a spoonful and it was soooo good. I found myself reaching for a second spoonful and then I stopped. I certainly could have a small bowl and be okay. My problem is that I don't know if I would stop after one bowl. I think I would have enough control to stop but I don't know for sure.

I am hoping to get a fill in the next week or so. I didn't want to rush it because I was having such a hard time before being emptied. I figured I was inflamed so I needed time to let things settle. I am ready now though and can't wait. I find myself getting hungrier much more often and eating larger portions. It reminds me of how much my band really helps when there's fluid.

Well, I'm getting hungry again so I'm going to take my dog for a walk.

Stay healthy!
Jenn

Feeling Better....

2009-02-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so much better since my last post. Dr. K completely emptied my band and I felt instant relief. The night before I fantasied about all of the places I was going to go to get drinks after my unfill because I was so thirsty. Larry and Corey couldn't stop laughing at me. My first stop was going to be Wendy's for a strawberry shake, then Dunkin's for a hot chocolate, possibly home for a large glass of O.J and so on. In reality, I drank water and boy did it taste good.

Not to get off topic but a strange thing happened today with my mother. I see her a few times a week in the nursing home. Today she said how beautiful I looked. Now, you might think this is not a big deal but you don't know my mother. She is not one who throws around compliments. I was wearing jeans and my husband's gap sweatshirt, nothing special. She just kept telling me how beautiful I was and then said I lost so much weight. My mother doesn't know that I had weightloss surgery. I didn't tell her because I didn't think she would completely understand especially with her mental illness. I was so surprised by her reaction to me. Lately, people have been complimenty me on my weight. I don't think I have a significant change but because my weightloss has been so gradual I think it's really starting to show. I hate to admit it but I kind of like the compliments. I hope that doesn't make me shallow. It's just nice to hear after the challenges I have faced with my band.

Enough of that... Today is my baby's (he would kill me if he knew I called him that) 14th birthday. I simply cannot believe that Corey is 14, it really seems like yesterday that he was just a little guy happy to hang out with mom. We are going out for his traditional birthday dinner. He gets to chose where we're going. I'm a little nervous because my band is empty. As a result, I can eat a lot more. I'm going to chose my dinner well and plan to start with a nice salad.

Time to go, I hope you all have a healthy and happy night!
Jenn

Did I make a mistake????

2009-02-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have been having a really hard time with my band over the past few weeks and I'm feeling frustrated to say the least. I seem to have months with little to no problems and then I'm slammed. I have an appointment today to get completely unfilled and I can't wait. I did go into the office last week for an unfill but by the time I saw Dr. K I felt so much better. He called me the night before and told me to take Pepcid. The Pepcid made me feel so much better that we both agreed to leave the fluid in to see what happens. That was on Wednesday. I felt great all that day and stayed on liquids for 24hrs. On Thursday afternoon I transitioned onto soft foods like yogurt. Thursday night was okay but Friday morning I started feeling stuck again. I went right back to liquids and continued to take Pepcid. The weekend seemed to get worse and by last night I was vomitting fluids 1/2 hour after I drank. I called the Dr's office even though it was Sunday because I knew I needed to be unfilled. I think the section above my band is so inflammed and irritated from all of the vomitting that the only way for me to feel any relief is to be empty.

Deep down I know I didn't make a mistake by having this surgery it's just that I'm so tired and incredibly thirsty. Lapband surgery really did save my life. I mean I wasn't at death's door (thank goodness) before surgery but I was heading down a road of distruction that ultimately would've shaved years off of my life. I really am glad that I made the choice to have the surgery in the first place.

I have never been the type of person who preaches but I really have to say something before I go. If you are considering this surgery please be prepared for all aspects, emotionally and physically. There are many people who have surgery and never have a problem and then there are those who face many obstacles. You know yourselves and your bodies better than anyone else. If you have complications, don't wait. Pat says this all the time at the meetings. She knows what she's talking about.

Well, I'm off to my appointment. Wish me luck!!!
Jenn

Dancing Lessons?

2009-01-26T06:25:00.000-08:00

Things continue to be a bit hectic in my life. Last week I was having a hard time with my band. Something got stuck and it took a few days before I felt better. I had to go on liquids for two days and then slowly transition to soft foods. Even though I have had my band for a little over a year now it can still be unpredictable. I follow all of the rules but sometimes things happen. My friend Rhonda and I talked about this just the other day. She also has a band and experiences some of the same issues as I do. It just goes to show that this process is not an easy one. I have learned a lot along the way though. If I get stuck with food I have learned what I need to do in order to stay healthy. Okay, that's not really what my post was suppose to be about this morning, I just wanted to share that experience for those who are either thinking about lapband surgery as well as those who may be experiencing the same things.

You probably wondering what my title is all about so I'm going to explain. This morning Larry, my husbnad, shocked the heck out of me. After driving my son to school, he walked into the house and announced that he wanted to take dancing lessons with me. At first I didn't know what he was talking about and I was tempted to laugh at his suggestion. I soon realized that he was serious. He said that as he was driving back home this morning the thought "popped" into his head. I listened as he explained his reasons. Larry told me that he wants to start really enjoying our time together. We have been through a lot in our lives and have overcome many obstacles. Along the way we have neglected ourselves (I'm sure you can all relate!). He told me that I was his best friend (I began to cry at this moment) and that he wants to take the time to do something really special and fun with me. I was speechless. Larry and I have been together for 11 years and married for almost 5. For the most part, we have a wonderful relationship. We have ups and downs like everyone else but we have always been there for each other when it matters most. I was so touch when he said that I was his best friend because it was so sincere and geniune. I told him that I would love to take dance lessons and would start looking for places. My only objection is ballroom dancing because it's too serious for me.

On another note, I am excited to be going to the support group meeting tonight. I haven't been in a few months. I can't wait to see how everyone is doing and I'm looking to forward to seeing some of my friends. I also really enjoy meeting new people, especially those who are in the beginning stages of this journey.

I wish you all a happy and healthy Monday!
Jenn

Wii Fit.....

2009-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

My Christmas present from my husband was a Wii Fit. I actually got the idea from my friend Rhonda (thanks Rhonda!) when I ran into her at Target a few weeks before Christmas. I told Larry about it and he got it for me, well actually us.

I have to tell you that I LOVE it! The Wii system comes with a free interactive sports game as well. Larry and I have a blast playing tennis and baseball. After Christmas I bought the personal trainer disc for the fit system. It's awesome! I can set my workout for as little as 15 minutes or as long as 75. It's a lot of fun and very easy to follow. The best part is I get to exercise in the privacy of my own home and not have the excuse of the bad weather.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have been struggling with exercising the most in this process. I just couldn't seem to get myself motivated. Could it be this easy? Time will tell.....

Have a great day!
Jenn

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T08:18:00.001-08:00

I would like to take a quick moment to say Happy New year to all. I wish you all a year filled with love, happiness, and health.

Before I begin this blog I wanted to address the comment from my last entry. I'm sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I had my surgery on December 26, 2007. I chose the band because I felt like it was the right surgery for me. It hasn't been easy but I have certainly learned a lot about myself in this process. As far as my total weightloss, I did finally weigh myself and I'm at just about 65 pounds. I feel really good about my progress although I struggled with having realistic expectations. If you decide to go forward with surgery I would just say to make this about you. Try not to let others negatively influence you or talk you out of it. I would go back and do it all over in a heart beat. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best!

Every year since I can remember I have had the same New Year's resolution, "Lose weight and exercise." This year I decided to break the cycle. My new resolution is 3 simple words, "Live, Laugh, Love." Let me explain. I have this amazing friend Val. When I bought my house she lived accross the street with her family. She has a son who is the same age as Corey. Needless to say, we became very close friends as did our boys. Two years ago Val told me that her family was moving out of state because her husband's job was relocating. We were devestated and cried almost everyday until she moved. We vowed to see each other as often as we could. Since then we have seen each as often as possible.

Recently Val's been having some personal problems. She invited Corey and I to visit last week. We jumped at the opportunity. Larry stayed home. Val is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She is so kind and never, I mean never, has a mean thing to say about anyone. She always looks for the good in everyone. Anyway, we had the best time. I haven't "lived, laughed, or loved" like that in so long. We talked all night long, watched movies, and she even taught me how to knit. Being there with Val reminded me how good it feels to be happy, really, truely happy. We are already planning our next visit in February.

This year I made a vow to myself. I vow to live my life to the fullest and appreciate the little things. I also vow to laugh and laugh often. Life is too short and I'm tired of getting caught up in the negative things. Finally, I vow to love, especially myself. I vow to love myself for who I am and to accept myself as I am.

I challenge you all to "Live, Laugh, and Love" more in your lives this year.

Jenn

Update....

2008-12-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

I have to apologize, it's been so long since my last post. Life has been crazy, I'm sure you can relate. I don't know where to start. Okay, so I'm doing well overall. I have finally adjusted to life with my band. I still have moments of frustration but for the most part, feel good. I have stopped obsessing about my incredibly slow weightloss and have taken some time to reflect on the past year of my life. It was just about a year ago when I got my surgery date, December 26th. The first call I made was to Larry, my husband. As soon as he answered the phone I just sobbed, I couldn't get the words out. It was as though the emotions I had been feeling over the previous months crept up on me in that single moment. Larry was freaking out because he thought something was wrong with me. When I finally calmed down I was able to tell him that I had my surgery date. I told him that it was the best Christmas present I could ever have asked for. He agreed.

I remember fantasizing about how skinny I was going to be for this year's holidays. I even imagined what I would wear. I spent hours and hours pouring over fashion magazines, it was crazy. I told myself that by the time I reached my one year anniversary I would be 100pds lighter. Reality, that didn't happen, not even close. For awhile I was really hard on myself and felt like a failure. I try to eat right and although I don't exercise often, I'm pretty active all day long. I should be losing weight right? Well, here's my problem. I take medication for anxiety and ADD. It interfere's with my appetite to the point that I forget to eat during the day. It's also tends to bother my stomach on and off so I don't feel like eating. As a result, my metabolism is completely screwed up and when I finally do eat my body stores that food as fat. Does that make sense? I could solve the problem and stop taking the medication. However, I have so much anxiety without it that I can barely get in my car and drive. I am seeing my doctor soon to discuss my problem and see if we can find a solution. In the meantime, I'm going to make an appointment at heart and wellness. I'm embarressed to admit that I didn't go to my follow up appointment after graduating. I was having a really hard time with my band at that point and the last thing I wanted to do was get on the scale. I have come to realize that it's okay to have a hard time. The staff at heart and wellness are there to support us and help guide us through. I know in order for me to move forward I need a little support and guidance.

Stay healthy!
Jenn

Halloween Candy

2008-10-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

As Halloween approaches I am faced with the challenge not only of buying candy but with the huge bag of candy my son will bring home from trick or treating. I am planning to buy candy that I don't like to hand out but that only solves half my problem. Last year I ate candy almost everyday for a month. I was pre-op so I figured I could eat as much candy as I wanted. At the end of November I still had a huge bowl of candy. My son doesn't eat a lot of chocolate and neither does my husband. As crazy as it sounds, my son and I had a funeral for the left over candy. We both said some kind words before putting the candy to rest. We put the trash bag out in the trash. I'm embarrassed to admit that I briefly considered going out to the garage to dig the candy of out the trash. What's wrong with me??

This year I'm going to allow myself a treat. I feel like I have enough self control to have one thing that I really want without going overboard. It really is about portion control. Last year I would have laughed if someone pulled the portion control crap with me. Seriously, I would get pissed off if someone said "just have one." Before my surgery, I couldn't have just one, it seemed impossible. That has changed though. I have worked way too hard to eat a bag of candy. It's just not worth it and I know I will feel like crap.

Well, I hope you all have a healthy and happy Halloween.
Jenn

My relationship with my band.......

2008-10-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in a relationship with my band. Sound crazy? Let me explain. Before my surgery it was almost like getting ready for a first date. I was nervous, excited, scared, optimistic etc... What if we weren't compatible? What if we didn't get along? I had my surgery and in the beginning it went okay. Sure, I did get a bit depressed but overall, it went well. I began to build a relationship with my band. I learned about its likes and dislikes. We got along great. In June we had our first major disagreement and as a result I ended up in the emergency room. I was really angry with my band and briefly thought I had made a huge mistake. I quickly recovered and my band and I were living in peace and harmony. In late July my band and I had another major disagreement. This time it resulted in having my band completely emptied. I was miserable for two weeks while unfilled and I was angry at my band yet again. I soon forgave my band and we began to rebuild our relationship. Things were going great until this weekend. I was so happy with my band, my weightloss was going better, I really thought we were in a good place and then, huge disagreement. This time though I took a differant approach. Instead of getting angry with my band, I decided to baby it a little and take things really slow. Although I'm not feeling 100% better, I'm okay. Whenever I think I have this all figured out, I learn something new. I know that my relationship with my band will have its ups and downs but, I couldn't imagine my life without it.
Jenn

Not feeling well....

2008-10-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I went to the Y last Wednesday night to learn how to use the nautilus machines. My fitness coach Judy is awesome!! She really took her time to show me how all of the machines work and explained which part of the body each machine targeted. I felt great and was feeling incredibly motivated. Before bed my throat started to hurt. I shrugged it off and went to bed. I slept horribly and was unbelievably sore when I got out of bed. Within an hour of getting out of bed I developed a fever. I felt miserable all day. The next day was worse so I went to my Doctor. She said I had the flu. Great, just what I need! So, here I am 5 days later and I still feel horrible. I'm aching, my nose is running, and I still have the chills. I considered having a flu shot but didn't think I needed it. I learned my lesson!

Please don't make the same mistake. Whether pre-op or post-op, get a flu shot. I can't believe how sick I still feel. I have barely been able to get out of bed. It's not worth it! I am hoping to get to the Y tomorrow just to get a little exercise in. I will post again when I recover.

Stay Healthy!
Jenn

5 Weeks to Fitness....

2008-10-03T16:32:00.000-07:00

I went to my intial consult at the Y the other day for the 5 Weeks to fitness promo I recently joined. I met with my exercise coach. She was really nice and easy to talk to. I told her about my surgery and explained the difficulty I have been having with exercising due to lack of motivation. She gave me a tour of the facility and showed me all of the exercise machines. I was completely overwhelmed. The Sterling Center had a huge renovation a few years ago and all of the equipment is state of the art. The treadmills have built in television screens. I have never seen anything like it.

It was really busy while I was there and I felt so self conscious. This is a problem that I have always had and I don't want it to get in my way of exercising at the gym. It was differant exercising at Heart and Wellness because we were all there for the same reason. I told my coach Judy about how I was feeling. She was so understanding. Judy told me the hours when it's busiest there as well as when it's very slow. I'm sure it's not hard too figure when I'll be going. Anyway, I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful that this will give me the boost I need. I have to start somewhere.

I'll post my results as I go along.

Jenn

Exercise......

2008-09-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get motivated to exercise. I don't know what my problem is but I am constantly making excuses. I will say that I registered for a program at the Y yesterday called 5 weeks to fitness. I'm really excited because with this program I will get to work with a motivational coach. How great is that? It also gives me the opportunity to check out the Y to see if it's a place where I will comfortable to work out. I am still incredibly self conscious, it's ridiculous!! I'll post my results. Also, the program is open to anyone who wants to go. Check out the Y website for details!

Ok, so on another note. At the meeting last night I sat with some incredible women (and men too!). I am so inspired by their success. The sisters (you know who are you!!) are amazing. I love how they get along and how they support each other. Two of them had surgery awhile ago (lapband and bypass) and the third sister had her lapband surgery 5 days ago. They have been incredibly successful but have worked very hard to get where they are. I wish them the very best!! The other people who attend the 8 month post-op group are also amazing. Everyone is incredibly open about they're challenges and successes. It helps make me feel "normal". I feel like I'm in a therapy session, it's awesome.

Before I go, I would like to make one suggestion. Whether you are pre-op or post-op, please make an effort to go to the support groups! You owe it to yourself to get the support from other people who understand what you're going through. I have been going since last August and I look forward to each meeting. I am disappointed when I can't make it and often feel like I have missed out.

Anyway, I'm done blabbing for tonight. I wish you all well!!
Warmly,
Jenn

A few pictures....

2008-09-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

For some reason I still don't like having my picture taken. The pictures that I have attached pretty much show my recent progress. The first photo was taken last August, the second was taken in June and the third was taken two days ago. After my horrible experience last year in which the photographer and an employee at the photoshop laughed at my picture, I became incredibly selfconscious about having my picture taken. I just had my head shots done the other day for a work photo and I was in tears up to the time of taking the picture. Can you believe that my previous experience had caused so much anxiety that I almost walked out without having my photo taken?

Well, never again will I let some a**hole crush my selfesteem. I deserve so much better than that. I am so proud of what I have accomplished and it's not just about the weightloss. I haven't been on the scale in about 3 weeks now. I am trying hard to focus on my overall health and well being. Part of being healthy for me is staying off of the scale. I was becoming too obsessive about how much I weighed and was weighing myself 3 times a day. I have removed the scales (yes, I said scales) from my house. It was hard in the beginning but I am so much happier. I can tell that my clothes are getting loose again and that's good enough for me.

I'm heading out for a nice walk so I will write again soon. Thank you to those who have sent me emails. I appreciate your words of support and encouragment....

Jenn

Questions???

2008-08-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have recently received some emails from people who are considering lapband surgery. I am more than happy to answer questions that anyone has about the surgery and life post-op. I was very fortunate that I met a wonderful and incredibly kind woman, Rhonda, during the begining stages. I discovered that she actually lives about 5 minutes from me. She was a saving grace for me because she was able to answer my questions because she had already been through the process. We would meet at the beach to walk and she listen to me every step of the way. We continue to stay in touch, go to support group meetings together, and are currently planning to start walking again.

My point is that it's sometimes helpful to talk to someone who has been where you are today. Whether you are in the very beginning stage of just considering the surgery and doing the research or you're further along, talking to someone else might help. Everyone's experience is going to be differant but if I can answer any questions, I'm happy to do so. Simply email me and we'll go from there!

Jenn jenncore@comcast.net

One Year Ago...

2008-08-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

One year ago I attended my first support group meeting. I was scared, anxious, excited, nervous, motivated, and every other emotion you can imagine. My husband came with me and was incredibly supportive. I remember looking around the room at all of the other people and wondering what their story was. After all, we all have a story. I remember leaving the support group full of hope and questions. I knew, however, that this is what I needed to do.

I attended last weeks support group. Since I am now 8 months post-op I was actually able to attend both groups. The first group was small with less than 20 of us. It was nice to be able to hear about people's successes and challenges. I remember thinking that it must be so easy once you hit the 8 month point but I have discovered that challenges still exist. I knew this to be true for myself but didn't realize that it happens for other people as well. This discovery has made me feel more human. I do have a great friend that I met last summer through an online support group. She has also had some difficulties but I figured we were the exception in all of this. I guess my point in all of this is that this is a very long and sometimes emotional process. Going to the support groups beyond the required 2 is incredibly helpful. It provides an opportunity to talk to other people who are experiencing the same challenges.

The Second group is the regular pre/post-op support group. It seems to have more than doubled in size since last year. I wonder if more people are realizing the long term benefits of having weightloss surgery. At last Monday's group there was a guest speaker addressing depression. I think I went through a different kind of depression than what the Doctor was describing. The first few weeks after surgery went well for me. Other then feeling tired and a little uncomfortable, I feel great. It was when I starting to increase my food intake that things changed a little for me. I was transitioning from one food stage to the next when I began to feel sad. I couldn't quite explain my sadness with words but it was almost as though I was missing something. I also couldn't look at my incisions without getting upset. It's not that my incisions were gross or anything but they kind of made me feel like a failure. After about a week of felling like this it finally clicked, I was mourning food!!!
I had depended on food for everything for so many years that I really missed it. I missed eating large quantities of whatever I wanted. I missed the full feeling I got after, the feeling that comforted me for so many years. It all made sense to me, perfect sense. I had to find something else that made feel good, something thing that brought comfort and a sense of security. I began to feel better about my incisions as well. They weren't a sign of weakness or failure, they are a part of me and my story. This helped me decide to get my real estate license. I put everthing into going to class and passing the test. I am so happy with this choice and have found something that I truely love to do!!!

As I continue to move forward in this journey I have had a lot of self discovery. I have faced challenges but through it all have become a much stronger person. I'm learning to not sweat the small stuff and to celebrate even the tiniest of achievements. I no longer dread social situations and I walk into a room with my head held high. I admit part of this is due to weightloss but it's more than that. I'm still the same person on the inside. I have always considered myself to be kind, caring, and giving. I just struggled with my self confidence. Not anymore! I will not let the opinions or judements of others get in my way.

I have gone on long enough. I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday weekend. This can be stressful time since most of us are dealing with back to school with the kids.

Warmly,
Jenn

Where do I begin????

2008-08-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Things have been so crazy for me lately that I haven't had a chance to slow down. Okay, first things first. I had my appointment with Dr. K about 2 weeks ago to go over the results of my upper G.I. He said that everything looked great and the band was right where it was suppose to be. That made me feel much better. We both agreed that I'm sensitive to fills so I may have to learn to live with 1 1/2 cc's in my band. I'm okay with that because I can't take the chance of not being able to tolerate food or liquid for an extended period of time. I currently have 1 1/2 cc's in my band and I'm doing okay. I do feel restricted most of the time and that keeps me in line. My weightloss have been very slow lately but I know why, I haven't been exercising very much. I need to make that a priority in my life and I'm working on that.

Everything else has been going great. I started my new career in real estate in late March and I have really taken off. One of my clients is closing on her first house on Monday and I have two other buyers who both just put offers on houses. I can't begin to tell you how much I love what I'm doing. I believe that my wieghtloss has really helped boost my self esteem. I'm still the same person I'm just getting myself out there more. I'm not so worried about what other people think of me. I'm really getting to a good place.

I am looking forward to Monday night's meeting. I really miss my friends and can't wait to see them!! It was exactly one year ago when I went to my first informational/support group meeting. My life has changed so much in one year, it's incredible. I am finally ready to post some updated photos and I will do so in next entry. I wish you all health and happiness!!!!

Jenn

The Last Lecture....

2008-08-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you have heard about Randy Pausch, the professor who recently passed away from cancer of the pancreas. I purchased his book a few weeks ago, "The Last Lecture", and didn't put it down until I finished reading it. This book was incredible and really helped me look at my life through different eyes. I think we all tend to take things for granted sometimes and Randy's story reminded me that life is so unpredictable. He lived his life until the very end and never complained about the fact that he was going to die. I complain about almost everything, subconsciously of course! I complain when it's too hot, the line is too long at the store, traffic is backed up and so on. I'm so blessed that I can enjoy the weather, go into a store, or get in my car and drive. I have decided to make a conscious effort to appreciate all that I have everyday whether good or bad. I don't want have regrets and miss out on the things that bring me joy. "Life is too short".

Randy includes many incredible quotes in his book. I have printed a few of them and placed them in my office. There's one I really like, "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". That makes so much sense to me and all that I have experienced in my own life.

If you're looking for an inspirational story that will make you laugh and cry, I encourage you to read this book. If nothing else, it will help put your own life into perspective and will remind you to enjoy life!

Until next time,
Jenn

UPDATE......

2008-08-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

Alot has happened since my last entry. I'm sorry for not posting sooner. So, in my last post I expressed my frustration with my band and not feeling restricted. A few days after my post I got another fill with Dr. K. Everything was great for the first few days and then I couldn't keep anything down. It was just like the last time when I ended up in the emergency room. This time I didn't wait, I called Dr. K and went in immediately for a complete unfill. This wasn't what I really wanted to do but I was getting ready to go on vacation for a week and the last thing I needed was to be in the emergency room far from home. Anyway I felt relief immediately after being unfilled. Believe it or not I wasn't upset about it this time. It's more important for me to be healthy than to be restricted to the point of not being able to hold down fluids.

Dr. K was concerned that there could be something else going on so he made an appointment for me to have an upper G.I a few days later. I was a little nervous because I didn't know what to expect but the staff at Salem Hospital were awesome!!! They explained everything that was going to happen and answered all of my questions. The Dr. that performed my upper G.I was so adorable (yes, I'm married, but he was really cute!). He said everything looked pretty good but that I definately have acid reflux. I told him that I don't feel any of the symptoms so I was kind of surprised. I have an appointment with Dr. K on Thursday to go over the results in detail.

Overall I would say I'm feeling pretty good. I just got back from a week on the Cape so I'm very relaxed and tan. I didn't have any restriction while away but I did my best not to stress or obsess about it. I ate what I wanted but certainly was cautious not to over do it. I am not going to weigh myself until after I get a fill on Thursday because I don't want to get caught up in the cycle.

I am disappointed because I haven't been able to go to the last 2 support groups. I miss checking in with everyone and hearing about the progress and challenges that other people are facing. I can't wait for the next meeting because I can actually start going to the 8 month support group as well as the other group. I have to tell you what an amazing woman Pat Basile O'Hearn is. After reading my last post she emailed me because she was concerned about how I was feeling. The fact that she took the time out of her crazy busy schedule meant the world to me. She made me feel so important and I know she would and does do the same for everyone. This is really what makes the program at Salem stand out from all of the rest....

Fondly,
Jenn

P.S If I could just add one final thing, please be patient if you have to go into the office to see Dr. K or Dr. Buckley. At my last appointment I had to wait for quite some time. Some of the other patients were complaining. Believe me, it's not the Dr's fault. They don't make us wait on purpose, unfortunately they get called away for an unexpected emergency from time to time. The office staff is great and they do their best to let us know how long we can expect to wait.

Sooooo Frustrated!!!!!

2008-07-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling incredibly frustrated lately. Ever since my episode a few weeks ago I have felt very little restriction. Even with the fill I got about two weeks ago, the restriction I felt before is gone! I have another appointment on Wednesday with Dr. K for another fill. I don't know why I am not feeling as restricted as I was before. I have been really good about not eating crap but I can definately eat more than I was. My weight hasn't changed in about 3 -4 weeks now. I mean I'm happy that I haven't gained but seriously, not losing is totally stressing me out. These are the moments when I question my decision to have lapband instead of the bypass. I can't help but wonder how much weight I would have lost if I had the bypass surgery instead????

Honestly, I know that lapband surgery was the best decision for me. Even now, I don't regret it. I do tend to get caught up with my weightloss every now and again but overall feel positive about my decision. This hasn't been easy but god knows where I would be if I hadn't had surgery. I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time. I think I'm also having a hard time not seeing people from Heart and Wellness. That program was so helpful for me. It was the one time during the week when I was truly comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I belonged and everyone accepted me for me. I have made some really great friends in the program and I'm hopeful to get together with them in the near future. I often think of the other amazing people who are either in the program now or who have graduated. They are all such inspirations to me and I wish each and every one of them a lifetime of happiness.

Well, I feel better being able to get my frustrastions out. Other than my husband Larry and a few other people, I'm not able to talk openly about how I'm feeling when it comes to my weightloss surgery. Although I think people try to understand it's almost impossible unless they have gone through a similar experience. Oh well, I'm done with my pity party. Good Night!

I fit in the chair!!!!!

2008-06-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

Let me explain. At the end of every school year I get a gift certificate to the Beverly Depot restaurant in Beverly as a thank you for driving my friend's son to school. I love the food but always dread going because I never quite fit in the chair. The chairs I'm talking about are rounded so I could never actually sit back. This always caused me so much stress and anxiety but I managed to suck it up for the sake of a good meal and a night out with my husband.

We had a long day yesterday so we decided to go to the Depot for dinner. My anxiety began about 1/2 before we left for dinner. I was trying hard to put it out of my mind but I just couldn't. When Larry and I got to the restaurant it was pretty dead. I was surprised because there's usually a very long wait. We were brought to our table which was over in a corner. I was happy about the location because I figured I would be hidden from the other people eating dinner. I pulled out my chair, held my breath, and sat down. I couldn't believe it, I could actually sit all the way back in the seat. I started to tear up. Larry looked at me but didn't say a word. He knew exactly what I was experiencing.

It's kind of sad that something that a lot people take for granted caused so much stress and anxiety for me every time I went to this restaurant. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this kind of embarrassment and humiliation. It happens everyday on airplanes, in movie theatres, at baseball games, and so on. It's so frustrating that society has this "one size fits all" mentality. If you don't fit into this category then something is wrong with you. Here's what I think, there's nothing wrong with any of us. We all have a story, a heart, and a soul. We don't have the right to judge other people and don't deserve to be judged by others. We are all different and that's what makes us all beautiful people. I know this sounds a little cliche' but it really doesn't matter what's on the outside. It's who we are and who we chose to be that matters most.

Finally feeling better...

2008-06-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

So here I am almost 6 months post-op thinking I'm all set right? Wrong!!!! About 2 weeks ago I got the scare of a lifetime. It started on a Thursday night. Larry was eating steak and it looked sooo good. I decided to have a bite. I chewed and chewed (or at least I think I did) until it pretty much dissolved in my mouth. A little while later I got a stuck feeling. This can be common with lapband surgery if something doesn't pass through the band. I ended up vomiting and thought that was it. That night I had a little indigestion when I went to sleep. It wasn't a big deal and I ignored it and went to bed. Friday morning I had the stuck feeling again so I decided I would take it easy with my food choices for the day. I stuck to mostly soft foods. For the most part it was an uneventful day. Friday night I woke up with a bad case of heart burn. This is something I haven't experienced since before surgery. I was a little surprised but I shrugged it off and went back to bed. On Saturday morning I felt a little stuck again. I had a bottle of water that I sipped on throughout the morning but that was it. I wasn't quite feeling like myself so I took it easy for most of the day. In the afternoon I had a Popsicle and it literally came right back up. I tried water, it came back up. By this point I was pretty exhausted so I decided to take a nap. Bad Idea! I woke up choking from such severe acid reflux. I knew something was wrong so I called my sister and she took me to Emergency Room. By this point I was miserable and I was an enormous amount of pressure in my chest. The E.R doctor wanted to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack (I assured him I wasn't) so he put me on a heart monitor. I spent the next three hours vomiting uncontrollably. It was horrible! Now, since I live in Beverly I went to Beverly hospital. I should've gone directly to Salem since that's where I had my surgery. After taking x-rays the Dr. decided to send me over to Salem by ambulance. I was horrified, I kept thinking that the ambulance drivers would never be able to lift me. Can you imagine that's what was going through my mind!

I finally arrived at Salem and began to vomit a few more times. Dr. Buckley came in to see me. He decided to take all of the fluid out of my band (1 1/2 cc's) to see if that helped. A few minutes later I began to feel better. He gave me instructions and told me to take it easier for a few days. He also said that I would have to wait at least a week before I could have a fill and warned me (in a very nice way) to be careful not to overeat since my band was empty.

A few days later I saw my regular Doctor. She received the report from the hospital. I apparently had a blockage in my esophagus which was causing the pressure and the vomiting. The steak probably caused the initial problem and then because of the vomiting my pouch began to swell. I hope I never experience that again. When you go to the initial lapband group Pat will tell you that if you can't keep liquids down for 12 hours, call your surgeon and go directly to the Emergency Room. I think that's the best advice I have ever heard.

I was finally able to get a fill on Monday. Dr. K was awesome and very caring. He encouraged me to call him if it happens again and then go to Salem. I did pretty well for the 2 weeks without anything in my band but I could totally feel the difference. I think the fact that I had surgery almost 6 months ago helped keep me on track with eating. I have worked really hard changing my whole mindset when it comes to food and, after being tested, I'm proud to say that I am finally developing a healthy relationship with food.

Graduation......

2008-06-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

I graduated from Heart and Wellness today. To be honest it was really kind of bittersweet. On one hand I'm so ready to move on and do this on my own but on the other hand, I really enjoyed meeting the new people and the accountibilty of weighing in has really kept me focused.

When you graduate from H & W, you're called up (this is totally optional) to say a few words about your experiences before surgery and what's going on currently. I shared a bit about my experiences but really want to make a statement before I left. I decided to make a "top ten" list of what I have discovered while at H & W. You can thank David Letterman for this inspiration:

10. I don't need food for comfort

9. I actually like Hummus (thanks Melinda)

8. I can take my own heart rate

7. I hate the treadmill

6. I'm not the only one who burps and passes gas like a man

5. The number on the scale really doesn't matter (well, maybe just a little)

4. Even though I complain about coming here I'm really going to miss it

3. I actually have a collar bone

2. I'm not too old to make new friends.

1. I am as beautiful on the outside as I am on the inside

I would say that sums it up. I would be lying if I told you that this has been an easy journey for me. This has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. I had a really bad couple of days last weekend and ended up in the Emergency room. I will include the details in my next post. For now I just want to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that I'm feeling. I have never felt better and I honestly feel like I can accomplish anything I set my mind to......

Losing my security blanket

2008-06-02T22:39:00.000-07:00

My weight has been my security blanket for a really long time and now that I'm losing weight I'm having a hard time adjusting. I began having "food issues" at a very young age. My childhood was so unpredictable that the one thing I could totally depend on was food. It was always there when I needed it and never deserted me. We became great friends. Surprisingly, I really wasn't overweight as a child, maybe a little chubby.

Unfortunately my body developed at an early age. Along with my new body came new and totally unwanted attention. When I was 12 years old I was having a sleepover at my friend's house. Her older brother spent an unusual amount of time hanging out with us before bedtime. We went to sleep around 11:00 and I woke up a few hours later to him touching me. Now, before I go any further with this story I want to explain why I'm sharing this very personal and private part of my life. For many years I blamed myself for what had happened to me and I began to hide behind my weight. The fatter I got, the less attention I got from the opposite sex. I was a victim of something that wasn't my fault yet I continued to victimize and punish myself. Through years of therapy I have been able to heal and let go of the guilt that I let control my life. I have shared that part of my life with a few close people and to my surprise, this has happened to some of them as well. If I can help one person who has been through something similar, it's well worth sharing my story.

I can't quite explain the fear I felt when I woke up to my friend's brother touching me. I was petrified!!! At first I was disoriented and a little confused. It took a few seconds to sink in. When I realized what was really going on I hit him and told him to leave me alone or I would tell his mother. He apologized and said he was only "joking". Well if that was a joke I certainly didn't get the punchline.

I never told a soul what had happened that night, not even my friend. The first time I acknowledge that it had ever happened was a few years ago in therapy. Needless to say, I stopped going over her house and eventually we lost contact. I began binge eating more often and found comfort in my fat. I felt protected because I knew no one would want to touch me and that was the greatest feeling in the world.

As I lose more weight, I have noticed that people are paying more attention to me. Even though I worked through what had happened to me in therapy, I have to admit, I'm a little uncomfortable. If I see someone looking at me or if they try to talk to me I tend to not make eye contact. I'm sure that sounds a little crazy but it's just something I'm trying to deal with and make sense of.

I have learned a lot since having my surgery, most importantly,that losing weight is only half of the battle. The emotional side of this is really the challenge. I expected that I would hit an emotional road block every now and then but didn't really expect alot of the feelings I'm experiencing now. I continue to see my therapist about once a month so I'm confidant that I will be able to work through this challenge as well as the many others that I have yet to face......

The number is not important..

2008-05-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

The number I'm talking about is the number on the scale. I have been hearing that a lot lately especially at Heart and Wellness. I understand the reasoning behind it but I have to tell you it's nearly impossible to not get "caught up" with the number. Before my surgery I wouldn't get on the scale if my life depended on it. When I got weighed at the Dr.'s office I got on the scale backwards and told the Dr. that I didn't want to know. After my surgery I became obsessed with weighing myself. I have two scales in my bathroom for goodness sake. If that isn't obsession I don't know what is.

When I first started at Heart and Wellness I have to admit it was really hard. The exercising and group sessions were the easy part it was seeing people who have had the bypass lose twice as much weight as I had. I would often go home feeling defeated. It's a fact that lapbanders lose weight at a much slower pace. All of the research I did support that so it wasn't a total shock when I saw it happening first hand. Of course I was happy for the bypassers and, I'm embarrassed to admit, probably a little jealous. My weightloss average is 1-2 pounds a week and in the beginning it felt like I was never going to lose weight. I'm the type of person who needs instant results in order to feel successful.

So, here I am 22 weeks after my surgery and I have lost 42 pounds. Initially I thought I would have lost over 50 pounds by this point but I have realized that wasn't a realistic expectation. I am so proud of myself for having the courage to take this step in the first place and although it is has been a gradual and challenging process, I feel amazing! I have so much more energy and my self confidence has gone through the roof. I have a physical in a few weeks and I can't wait to see how much my health has improved.

If you were to ask me today if the number on the scale still matters I would honestly say "not so much". I have a new number that I'm focused on and that's the number of years I have added to my life by taking this step. I want to be here when my son graduates from high school. I want to dance with him at his wedding and hold my first grandchild. I feel like I have a second chance at life and I'm going to enjoy every precious moment.....

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

Mother's day has always been very emotional for me. It's hard to explain but I'll do my best. I have a beautiful 13 year old son whom I love more than anything. He keeps me grounded and reminds me to enjoy and appreciate the smaller things in life. This is what makes Mother's Day special for me. On the other side, I have my mother. My mother is mentally ill and currently resides in a local nursing home.

I come from a large family of nine children, 6 brothers and 2 sisters. My mother had all of us by the time she was 30! Can you even begin to imagine that, 9 kids by the age of 30? Anyway, my father was an alcoholic and often left my mother for days on end. Unfortunately my mother had a nervous breakdown and the state came in and separated my family. I was three at the time. Over the years my mother was in and out of my life. My twin sister and I lived with our aunt and uncle (totally dysfunctional!!!) during our childhood and my mother would come to visit when she was well enough. She always slept in my bed with me. I would cry and beg her not to leave but unfortunately, she always did. The next day after she left I would go around the house touching everything she last touch in an effort to feel connected to her, it was very sad. This continued until I was about 13. It was Mother's Day and my oldest brother planned a nice lunch out for my mother, brothers and sisters. It was wonderful! We didn't get together as a family often so when we did it was magical (at least it was in my mind). During lunch mom told us about her new boyfriend Lenny. She was living with him and was very happy. I remember how beautiful she looked and how much she smiled. I wanted that day to last forever! After lunch, my brother dropped her off close to her new apartment. She said she would see us again soon and I couldn't be happier!

Months passed and my mother didn't come to see me or anyone else in my family. Whenever I was out, I would look for her but she never showed up. The months turned into years and before I knew it I was a senior in high school. It was a few days before graduation when I got the call, someone found my mother! I couldn't believe it, my mother was okay. The next morning instead of going to school, I hopped on the bus and went to see her in the hospital. I walked into her room and saw this fragile little woman lying on the bed. I thought I was in the wrong room but when she said my name, I knew it was her. I went over to her and held her hand. I told her I loved her and promised that I would never let her get lost again.

After a few days in the hospital and with the proper medication my mother began to tell me about the last five years of her life. Lenny, the boyfriend that made her so happy, kept her locked in an apartment. He locked it from the outside so she couldn't leave. There wasn't a phone and there was no way for her to go out. When her social security check would come, he made her sign it and then he cashed the check taking all of her money. Apparently one night Lenny forgot to lock the door when he left. It was by the grace of god that my mother figured out the door was unlocked and she left. Unfortunately my mother hadn't been on her medication for quite some time so she was disoriented and confused. The police picked her up in the middle of the night walking the streets in a nightgown and brought her to the hospital.

For whatever reason, no one else in my family stepped to the plate to help my mother at this point. I don't know if there were upset about her being gone or what the deal was but that wasn't going to stop me. I gave up going to college to help my mother get the care she needed.

Since I was 18 (18 years ago) , I have been the only one in my family involved in my mother's life on a daily basis. My brother's (only two of them) and my twin sister have seen her on rare occasions but I have been the one who has always been there fighting for what she needs. After a brief stay in a state hospital I was able to get my mother into a residential group home with other people with similar mental illness. She thrived for many year until a setback about a year ago that landed her in a nursing home.

I continue to see my mother on a daily basis. She has aged quite a bit since being in the nursing home but still has the spunk that helped her overcome so many challenges in her life. When I visited her today, she had a sadness about her that I haven't seen in a very long time. When I asked her what she was thinking about she apologized and said she was sorry. I didn't know what she was apologizing for so I probed a little further. She said she was sorry for not being a good mother to me and my brothers and sisters. She was sorry for the horrible childhoods we all suffered. It took me a second to respond because I had a huge lump in my throat and the tears were creeping up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and I told her that I love her and that I have always loved her. I don't blame her for not being there for me and I'm so grateful to have her in my life now. I couldn't say anything else at that moment and so we just sat in silence for a few minutes before I had to go.

On the way home I sat quietly in the car with Larry. He asked me if I was okay and I said that I was. I then try to explain what I was feeling. My whole life I wanted a mother that I could take out for lunch on Mother's day or who I could ask for advice when I was having a hard time. I wanted a mother I could be proud of and not have to apologize for because of her lack of social skills and her appearance. I always felt guilty for feeling this way, I just wanted a "normal" mother.

Something changed for me today. After all of these years of wishing and hoping, I discovered that I do in fact have an amazing mother. A mother I should be very proud of! She has been through more than any person should ever have to experience in a lifetime yet she rarely complains. Through fighting for her, I have learned to advocate for myself. I have learned to stand on my own two feet and fight for what I believe in. My mother is many things to me but today she became my hero........

Monday Night Support Groups and Such........

2008-05-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Once a month there are two weightloss support groups. The first one is for patients who are 8 months (I think it's 8) post-op and the other is for pre-op and post-op for WLS. Before surgery you are required to attend at least 2 meetings to meet part of the pre-op requirements. I love going to the support groups and continue to go even though my surgery was 4 months ago. It's a great opportunity to hear about everyone's progress as well as meet new people who are in the beginning stages of Weightloss surgery. Pat is the coordinator and is great!!! She tells it like it is and is very open and honest about her own experiences. Annie is also another amazing woman. She works with Dr. Buckley and Dr. Kastrinakis and is also very honest about her experiences with gastric bypass.

It seems like there are people who don't quite get the importance of the 12 week follow up program at Heart and Wellness. This program was one of the main reasons I chose to have my surgery at NSMC. My primary care physician is affiliated with another hospital and when I discussed surgery with her, she strongly recommended the other hospital. When I explained all of the support that is available at NSMC as well as the 12 week program she totally agreed with my decision. The 12 weeks is not optional, it's required and is a necessity. The program is not just about exercise. We exercise for about 30 - 40 minutes, practice relaxation, and have group sessions that include anything from nutrition to stress reduction and long term success. This is a great opportunity to get on the right track right from the beginning. We're so lucky to have this program available to us!

Choosing to have weightloss surgery is just the beginning of a very long and challenging journey. It is not a quick fix and requires strength that comes from deep within your soul. I'm incredibly happy with my decision even though I continue to struggle with the emotional part of my new life. I take advantage of all of the support that is available and am learning how to adjust to a new way of living.

My New Career!

2008-04-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

My husband Larry and I currently own a small business. Larry has always been in sales and has an amazing work ethic. He works hard and complains very little. In my past life, I was a preschool teacher. I love children so it was very natural for me to take on that role. My education is all based on Early Childhood Education. Last summer Larry decided to renew his real estate license so he could sell real estate part time. I signed on as his Adman, in other words, his assistant. I'm incredibly self conscious so I was happy to take on a behind the scenes role. I couldn't imagine myself selling real estate, who would want to buy a house from someone like me? Well, along the way, I discovered that I really love real estate. I enrolled in a real estate licensing class on Feb. 11th and took the test on March 26th. I was surprised that I actually passed the test because it was incredibly difficult.

I would never have had the courage to take this chance in the past. People are so judgemental and I've become accustomed to either being ignored or treated like I was worthless. I know that I deserve so much better than that. I've come to the conclusion that if someone has a problem with me, it's their problem, not mine!

Yesterday I signed my first buyer's contract!!! It has given me such a sense of accomplishment and confidence. I know my new career holds challenges and I don't expect it to be easy but I'm so proud of myself for having the strength and courage to step outside of my comfort zone to take a chance. This is just the beginning!

Four Months Later......

2008-04-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I had lapband surgery almost four months ago. As of this morning, I have lost 34 1/2 pounds! It works out to be about a little more than 2 pds. a week. It has been a slow but gradual process. 2 pds. a week doesn't seem like much especially in the beginning. I'm the type of person who needs to see instant results in order to stay motivated. I developed an obsession with the scale and weighing myself. I actually have two scales in my bathroom, ridiculous right? I have recently realized that my obsession is actually fear, fear of failure. I have lost and gained weight so many times in my life, how do I know this won't happen again?

My life really has changed since I had surgery. Unlike "diets" I have attempted in the past, having lapband has really challenged me on so many levels. I constantly have to think about what I'm going to eat and I have to chew, chew, chew or I will get sick. Going out to eat is not what it use to be either. I have a hard time eating things that I have always loved such as pasta, rice, and bread and I'm tired of explaining to the waitress that the food is great but I'm full when there's still a whole plate of food left. On a positive note, I am learning how to develop a healthy relationship with food. Really, I am learning how to eat for nourishment and not so much for comfort. It hasn't been easy but I'm beginning to find positive ways to manage my stress without reaching for a handful of something to eat to make me feel better. I never thought the day would come when I could eat a small portion of food and be satisfied. I feel great when I look at the plate, especially at a restaurant, and there's still a huge portion left.

This morning I have decided to put things into perspective and to celebrate my success. I would never have been able to lose 34 1/2 pounds without my lapband. I know I will continue to face challenges and obstacles but I am going to remind myself to live my life one day at a time and appreciate all of the wonderful gifts I am so fortunate to have....

Heart and Wellness

2008-04-16T05:26:00.000-07:00

I attended my heart and wellness exercise session yesterday morning. It was actually one of the best classes yet for me. Honestly, I have to admit, it's hard to go every Tuesday morning. Once I'm there I'm fine, it's just the act of getting there that can be a challenge. Anyway, I have really taken a liking to the people in my class. They are funny, caring, kind, open, supportive, honest (I could go on and on). It's the only day of the week that I truly feel comfortable in my own skin. Each one of us has our own story and that's what makes it such a great place to be. I look forward to hearing about everyone's progress and the challenges they have overcome.

I'm trying really hard not to get caught up with how much weight I have lost. Generally people who have lapband surgery lose weight at a much slower rate than people who had gastric bypass.I do have my moments where I wish I had bypass instead of lapband because the weight loss is faster but then I remind myself of why I chose lapband in the first place. This really is a long process and it's different for all of us.

After exercise class we had a group discussion with Maureen about changes after weight loss surgery. It was a great discussion and I value and appreciate everyone's willingness to share their experiences along with the support they offer. Of course we all realize that there are the physical changes that take place after surgery but I under estimated the emotional changes that I would go through. I am having a hard time finding myself in this process. Does that make sense? My weight has become part of my identity for a really long time and though it's sounds strange to admit, it has become my security blanket. I also miss the comfort I use to get from overeating even though it was always a temporary fix. I used food for comfort since I was 9 years old. It's really hard to learn how to work through difficult times without looking to food to make me feel better. I'm working hard to get to a good place with all of this and I know it's going to take time. For now, my goal is to take it one step at a time.

Post-Op Recovery

2008-04-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

I was released from the hospital the day after my surgery. Part of me was excited to be leaving and the other part was scared. Surprisingly, I wasn't in a lot of pain. I was uncomfortable but it was totally manageable. My throat was really sore still and I had developed a huge blister on the inside of my mouth. Popsicles became my best friend for the first few days. The first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself. Now why did I do that???? My weight was 264, exactly what it was right before my surgery. I automatically felt defeated which, by the way, was ridiculous. I don't know what I expected to happen when I got on the scale, I guess I was hoping that I would have lost something. When I made the final decision that I was going to have surgery I had realistic expectations. I knew that my weight loss was going to be a very long and slow process. My actions that day would set the tone for the next few months to follow. I knew this was going to be hard but I never imagined the challenges I would encounter along the way.

The best Christmas present ever!

2008-04-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

I had lap band surgery on December 26, 2007 at NSMC. The weeks leading up to my surgery proved to be challenging to say the least. When Annie called to give me my surgery date I cried, I really cried. I think it was a combination of things that brought on my emotional state. I attended my first seminar in late August and from that moment on I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was excited, scared, motivated, determined, scared (yes, I said scared twice) and the list goes on. I researched everything I could about the surgery so I really felt well informed about what was going to happen.

I decided that I was only going to tell a few people that I was having weight loss surgery. It’s not that I was ashamed of having the surgery, it was just the decision I made. For the first time in a very long time I was making this about me. My husband has been my biggest supporter and I am so unbelievably grateful for that. Larry supported the surgery from the moment I told him about it. He went to my appointment with my primary care physician, attended the first seminar, and met Dr. Kastrinakis at my surgery consult. I was very impressed with all of the questions he asked. I also decided to tell my 13 year old son (he was 12 at the time) about my decision. Corey’s reaction was incredible. Honestly for a 12 year old boy, he really surprised me. After explaining the surgery to him, Corey gave me a huge hug and said he was proud of me for doing something that would help make me a healthier person. I was touched by his response and so incredibly grateful that this boy was my child.

On the morning of surgery, I kissed my son and gave him a hug. I didn’t say good-bye because that seemed too final for me. I told him that I would see him later when he came to visit me. Corey wished me luck and told me he loved me. I turned my head quickly so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. Larry and I got into the car and headed on our way. Larry kept the conversation light but, to be honest, I really wasn’t listening. I sat silently staring out at the early morning sky. I was calm, excited, scared, and nervous at the same time. I was afraid that if I talked about how I was feeling with Larry, I would lose it and start crying. A few minutes before we reached the hospital I finally spoke my first words since we had been in the car. I told Larry that I loved him and that I was so lucky to have him in my life. I reminded him of my wishes should something happen to me and told him to make sure Corey knew how much I loved him. I didn’t say another word until we arrived at the surgi-center.

It was fairly busy at the surgi-center considering it was only 6:30 am. While I was waiting to check in, I looked at the other people in the waiting room. I was trying to figure out why they were there and I bet they were wondering the same thing about me. After checking in, Larry and I went to a different sitting area. We were the only two there so we watched T.V and read magazines. Larry wanted to stay at the hospital and wait while I was in surgery. I convinced him to leave once I went in. It didn’t make sense for him to sit and wait when he wouldn’t be able to see me until I went to my room anyway.

The nurse finally came out to get me. This was it, I couldn’t believe it! Larry and I hugged and he gave me a quick kiss before I turned to leave. I refused to say goodbye to him so I told him I would see him later. The O.R holding area was pretty quiet. The nurse gave me a johnnie and showed me where to change. One of the O.R nurses sat on the edge of my bed for a few minutes to watch Ellen with me. It was pretty cool and although this might sound strange, it made me feel important.

The anesthesiologist came in soon after and got me ready for surgery. Dr. K stopped in and asked me if I had any questions and when I couldn’t think of any, I was wheeled into surgery.

Surgery was over before I knew it. I felt like I had just closed my eyes and someone was telling me that I was done. The first thing I remember after surgery was how dry my throat was. I felt like I had a mouth full of cotton, there wasn’t a drop of moisture to be found. When the nurse asked me if I wanted a Popsicle, I almost cried. That orange Popsicle was the best tasting I had ever had. I stayed in the post-op holding area for about an hour and then was brought up to my room. One of the best things about having surgery on the day after Christmas was that there weren’t many other surgeries scheduled that day. I was in a room large enough for 4 people but I ended up having the whole room to myself.

I don’t remember a whole lot during the rest of my first day in the hospital. I know that I slept a lot but for the most part, it’s all a blur. My husband and son along with my sister, niece, and nephew came up to visit around 6:00pm. My throat was very sore so my voice was very hoarse. I remember feeling nauseous so I encouraged my visitors to go home so I could rest. I was in a little bit of pain but it was manageable. I requested a heating pad because my shoulder was sore; I was told it was gas pains.

I woke up a few hours later to Larry sleeping in the chair next to my bed. I don’t remember him coming back. I didn’t wake him right away because he looked so peaceful and as crazy as it sounds, I enjoyed watching him sleep. It was around 10:00 when I finally woke Larry up and sent him home. It had been a very long day.